A couple of days ago, we answered a question in the latest Mailbag Monday post that asked us if we thought about writing a blog post on a concept in domestic discipline known as non-consensual consent. It’s amazing that in over three years we haven’t written a post on non-consensual consent, a concept that is crucial to the success of the domestic discipline lifestyle. We mentioned it in the LDD Glossary several years ago, but a small blurb on it doesn’t give it the proper attention it needs. A post on this concept is long overdue.
What is non-consensual consent?
Giving your non-consensual consent means you consent to live the domestic discipline lifestyle and all it entails for the duration of your relationship (or until either you or your partner withdraws your consent). When one consents to domestic discipline, they’re consenting to living the lifestyle as a whole, not consenting to case-by-case, punishment-by-punishment situations.
It’s a little confusing, so we’ll do our best to clarify this concept. We’ll also explain why it’s so important to the success of domestic discipline.
In domestic discipline, the head of the household is the one “in charge” and the one making the final decisions for the overall benefit of their partner, their family, and their home. Naturally in this lifestyle, many of those decisions are punishment decisions which the submissive partner is expected to cooperate with, or “submit” to. Even if it means a punishment spanking is forthcoming — something the submissive partner doesn’t exactly find to be pleasant — they’re still expected to cooperate with the punishment and “submit” to it.
In a punishment spanking situation (or any punishment situation, really), it would be understandable if the submissive partner were hesitant to cooperate in that moment, or didn’t want to go through with the punishment at all. It stands to reason that the thought and/or temptation to withdraw consent would be, and is, at it’s strongest in these moments. However, in order for domestic discipline to thrive in the relationship, consent cannot be withdrawn whenever the submissive partner simply doesn’t feel like cooperating in punishment situations. It does not, and will not, work that way. If the HoH decides to punish, then a punishment ensues. Period.
It’s also worth noting that it won’t work if the HoH goes back and forth on their consent, either. It’s all or nothing when it comes to living the domestic discipline lifestyle, which is exactly what non-consensual consent is all about. It protects the relationship from the chaos that would ensue from one partner regularly going back and forth on their consent (usually in punishment situations).
In order for domestic discipline to bring all the wonderful things to a relationship it’s designed to, the head of the household needs to hold the ultimate authority at all times — especially in punishment situations. If the submissive partner had the luxury of withdrawing their consent any time they didn’t feel like going through with the punishment, the head of the household wouldn’t have that ultimate authority. The HoH’s authority would be undermined every time the submissive partner withdrew their consent due to them feeling as though the punishment was/is unfair, or unjust, or unnecessary, or whatever else.
The submissive partner withdrawing their consent in those moments puts them in charge, which is counter-intuitive and counter-productive to the goals and purpose of living the domestic discipline lifestyle. Living this lifestyle is supposed to end the power struggle in a relationship, not make it worse. The submissive partner giving and withdrawing their consent whenever they please would make the power struggle worse. Power struggle issues lead to disagreements, arguments, bickering, fighting, hurtful words, etc., etc., etc. Not good.
Again, it’s worth noting that the head of the household giving and withdrawing their consent at will would create frustration, confusion, and chaos as well. Do you want to lead the relationship and home or not? Yes? No? Yes again? No again? Maybe? No? Yes? Which is it??! Obviously domestic discipline won’t have a chance if the HoH regularly goes back and forth on their consent.
Non-consensual consent ends all of that confusion, frustration, chaos, etc., and that’s why it’s so important to the success of this lifestyle. From the very beginning both partners consent to living the domestic discipline lifestyle the way it’s meant and designed to be lived, thus avoiding the problems that come with random voluntary withdrawal of consent by either partner.
Whether or not to give non-consensual consent to live the domestic discipline lifestyle is obviously a huge decision for anyone to make. If you consent to everything the lifestyle entails, and you make the decision to live the lifestyle, it’s a decision we strongly discourage going back on. To get the most out of domestic discipline, non-consensual consent from both partners is crucial to its long-term success.
Of course, non-consensual consent can be withdrawn at any time. There’s always that option. Once non-consensual consent is withdrawn, however, it’s very difficult to bring domestic discipline back into the relationship if there’s ever a change of heart (for the reasons mentioned earlier). Just like giving non-consensual consent in the beginning is a big decision, withdrawing it is also a very big decision. It’s one that should be carefully thought through and discussed extensively together with your partner.
As you likely know, consent means everything in the domestic discipline lifestyle. A relationship simply isn’t a domestic discipline one without it. When we talk about consent on the LDD blog, we’re talking about non-consensual consent. This is how it has to work in order to achieve the best results. When both partners give their non-consensual consent to practice the domestic discipline lifestyle with one another, the sky is the limit for their relationship.
© 2014 Learning Domestic Discipline
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