The domestic discipline lifestyle can be a very challenging lifestyle to live for both spouses, but obviously there’s a reason couples choose to incorporate this dynamic into their marriages. Many reasons, in fact. Those reasons go way beyond simply modifying and improving behaviors. Domestic discipline enhances and strengthens many important marital components that are essential in achieving happiness, harmony, and stability in the home and marriage.
The LDD Marriage Building Workshop series will focus on these components and give them the proper attention they need, as well as provide exercises that are intended to improve upon any given component. We’ll start with the important marital component that seems to be the most problematic for couples — communication.
Communication is covered a lot on Learning Domestic Discipline (see links at the end of this entry). There are two reasons for that – 1) it’s extremely important in any relationship, not just a domestic discipline one, and 2) I find myself recommending couples communicate with each other rather frequently, which suggests to me that the scope of this problem is a bit larger than I originally thought.
Before we get to the “how” of communication, let’s start with the five “W’s” first.
Who needs to communicate in a domestic discipline marriage?
The answer is obvious and easy – both spouses need to keep the lines of communication open at all times. The problem I’m seeing regularly in couples is the execution of that answer. For one reason or another, one spouse can’t seem to communicate effectively with the other, or both spouses can’t communicate with each other, and that’s a problem. A BIG problem. A husband or a wife should always feel comfortable approaching their spouse about anything and everything. Not just about domestic discipline related topics – about ANYTHING an EVERYTHING.
What is the most effective way to communicate?
This will vary with every couple, but the option I recommend the most is verbal communication, face-to-face, in a distraction free environment. Communication between spouses is generally the most effective and most meaningful when eye contact and body language are involved. Face-to-face conversations, simply put, are more intimate and intense.
That isn’t the only option, however. In today’s technological, dwindling attention span world, things like phone calls, text messages, emails, letters, and social network messages are forms of communication as well. These options may be the only way to “get through” to a spouse, however I strongly advise a couple give the recommended option their best genuine effort before resorting to an alternate option.
When is the best time to communicate with your spouse?
This is a trick question. There isn’t a specific time that’s best to communicate with you spouse. The answer to this question is always. If the line of communication isn’t open between spouses at all times, the marriage will seriously suffer. The marriage will not grow and improve, and progress will be stunted. There isn’t much more to elaborate on with this one.
Where is the best place to communicate with your spouse?
The answer to this one is more general, and situationally based. If it’s a sensitive topic, a couple should communicate in a private setting. That may be in the privacy of their own home, or in the car, or in a private public place – wherever it may be, it needs to be private. If it’s virtually any other situation than a sensitive topic, a couple should always feel comfortable communicating with each other in any place, at any time, in any situation.
Why is communication so important?
Communication helps a couple to understand one another and see things from the other spouses point of view. Communication helps to achieve common goals in a marriage. Communication relieves or prevents many potentially troubling and disruptive emotions such as worry, guilt, stress, anger, frustration, and more. Communication improves the ability to compromise in both spouses. I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that without the strong ability to communicate with your spouse, the marriage will grow distant, empty, and hollow. Again, it’s important to always keep those lines of communication open at all times between spouses, regardless of time, place, situation, or circumstance.
Now to the all important “how” question.
How do we improve the communication in our marriage?
Before I offer suggestions and exercises to improve communication, there are some universal rules that must be followed by both spouses before participating in any of the suggestions/exercises below.
- No finger-pointing, or playing the “blame game.” All that does is create anger, tension, resentment, and irritation, which is/are the exact opposite of the goal(s).
- Listen to your spouse, don’t just hear them. Think about what it is they’re saying to you. Soak it in. Understand it. Listen.
- Allow your spouse to speak without interruption. They have as much of a right to make their point as you do. Give them their rightful opportunity.
- Do not get defensive. Most of the time, your spouse isn’t attacking you – your spouse is doing their part in helping to build communication between the two of you. You need to know what it is you are (or are not) doing that is counter-productive to the mutual communication goals of your marriage. Take it as constructive criticism, not an “attack.”
- Work together. A problem will not improve if the conversation is one-sided. Work with your spouse to find a solution.
With those ground rules in place, here are a few suggestions and exercises to help build communication in your marriage.
Option #1 — Devote an allotted amount of time each week to discuss the state of your marriage. If the state of the marriage is all fine and dandy, devote that time to simply talking about whatever it is that’s on your mind.
Example: For one hour every Sunday night, when the kids are in bed, turn off all cell phones, television sets, computers, etc. and focus solely on your spouse/marriage. Set goals for the week, talk about ways to improve DD, talk about things you need to work on, talk about that hilarious TV show you just watched – talk about whatever. Just. Talk. To. Your. Spouse. Free of distractions.
Option #2 — Dedicate at least one entire day per month to focus solely on your spouse/marriage. From the moment you wake up to the moment your head hits the pillow that night, the only focus that day is your spouse. Eliminate all distractions (work, cell phone, computer, have the kids go to their grandparents house for the day, etc.) and enjoy a great, stress-free day with your spouse. Talk about anything and everything that comes to mind, keeping in mind those 5 rules above.
Example: On the third Saturday of every month, when neither spouse has to work and the kids can stay with their grandparents for the day, plan a day where you and your spouse eat breakfast at your favorite restaurant, you both enjoy a little stroll through the park, you catch a matinee movie that afternoon, you eat at your favorite steakhouse, and you wrap the night up with a relaxing bubble bath together. Make yourselves some fruit smoothies, too. That always helps. It’s YOUR day. Do whatever you want with your spouse. Just the two of you. Talk about whatever you want. At least one day a month. That’s it.
Option #3 — Do this exercise. (Courtesy of heartrelationships.com)
Option #4 — Read, and do (where applicable), the LDD links below.
Option #5 — Hand write, or type up, and “open letter” to your spouse. An “open letter” is one that expresses how you feel about your relationship with your spouse, and how you feel about the state of your marriage, in a very candid, open, and honest way. Have your spouse read it out loud back to you, then talk about why you wrote what you wrote, why you feel the way you do, and how you feel you can both work together to improve upon things.
I understand that communicating with your spouse can sometimes be difficult. Perhaps you have a stubborn spouse, or maybe you don’t want to come off as critical or confrontational, or maybe you just don’t know what to say or how to go about saying it. Trust me, I completely understand all those things. If any of these things are an obstacle in achieving effective communication between you and your spouse, there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
The above options give you choices in combating your communication problem. The links below give you more resources to improve the communication in your marriage. All it takes is a little time, focus, and genuine effort to improve the communication between you and your spouse, and I’m confident in saying that communication in your marriage will improve if you wholeheartedly dedicate these things (time, focus, effort) to improving it.
– Clint
More Communication Related Links From LDD:
- Getting the Husband on Board With Domestic Discipline
- The Art of the Lecture
- Effectiveness of Cues/Warnings
- The Importance of Consistency
- Commenter FAQs – Communication Edition
- January Couples Challenge – Compliments
- June Couples Challenge – Great Qualities
- July Couples Challenge – Great Qualities II
- August Couples Challenge – Confessions
The post The LDD Marriage Building Workshop: Communication appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.