One thing that is evident among many domestic discipline couples is how difficult it is for the head of the household to conduct an effective lecture.  Lecturing is not an easy thing to do, but it’s certainly a vital component to the long term correction of a problem, and it’s important the HoH know how to effectively lecture.

Essentially there are three components to the punishment process: 1) the lecture, 2) the punishment itself, and 3) the comforting afterward.  All three components are important, but ironically the punishment itself is the least important.  Don’t misunderstand – the punishment is still very necessary, but the lecture is what helps the submissive partner realize their mistake/poor judgment on a deeper level, and the comforting afterward is what strengthens the love and emotional bond between partners.  For now we’ll focus on the lecturing aspect of the punishment.  We’ll discuss the importance of lecturing, and we’ll cover how to effectively go about lecturing.

When it comes to the lecture, first thing is first – the head of the household needs to have a thorough discussion with the submissive partner about what happened.  To prompt the need for a lecture, clearly a mistake was made or a rule was broken and the submissive partner likely feels bad about it.  The HoH should definitely be sensitive to and understanding of that, however the HoH must still ensure that the submissive partner understands exactly why the behavior or action was/is a problem/dangerous. Deep down the submissive partner probably already knows this, but the point needs to really “hit home” and “sink in” for the problem to be corrected.  The first thing the HoH is recommended to do is very calmly, and very respectfully, escort the submissive partner to a quiet place in the home to discuss what happened.

It’s important the HoH not use force, and it’s important the HoH speak very softly with genuine politeness, concern and care.  It’s recommended the HoH not choose a punishment for the infraction until the entire situation has been thoroughly discussed with the submissive partner.  If the submissive partner asks, “What’s my punishment going to be?” it’s recommended the HoH say something along the lines of, “Don’t worry about that too much right now, dear.  Let’s just go into the bedroom and talk about what happened.  I want to hear your side of the story.  I just want to get to the bottom of what happened.”

Once in a quiet room, it’s recommended both partners sit down to thoroughly discuss the issue.  It’s recommended that the HoH essentially “walk” the submissive partner through the conversation and let them do most of the talking/thinking.  The role of the HoH is to guide the conversation where it needs to go, and to chime in here and there with relevant thoughts/suggestions.  The point is to get the submissive partner thinking about what happened since, generally speaking, they weren’t thinking at the time the mistake was made.  It’s the role of the HoH to mentally take the submissive partner back to that moment, get them thinking about it, and have them explain what they were thinking at the time.

To illustrate, we’ll do a mock conversation.  For sake of example, we’ll say the submissive partner just got a ticket for texting while driving.   This mock conversation is for illustration purposes only, and should simply be viewed as a template or an outline of how to give an effective lecture:

HoH:  “Alright honey, you understand why we’re having this conversation, right?”

Submissive Partner: “Yeah I do.  I screwed up.”

HoH: “Well, you broke one of our agreed upon rules.  That’s all.  You don’t need to be so hard on yourself.  Which rule did you break?”

Submissive Partner: “Our ‘no texting while driving’ rule.”

HoH: “Right.  We’ve talked about this before and I know you understand why this is a rule in our relationship.”

Submissive Partner: “I know.  It was just a quick message..I didn’t think it was a big deal.  I was on my phone for like two seconds.”

HoH: “Well that’s two seconds too long.  You shouldn’t be on it at all.  You know that.  Why did we make this a rule in our relationship?”

Submissive Partner: “Because it’s dangerous.”

HoH: “Exactly.  It’s really dangerous.  We both know there are more reasons than that though.”

Submissive Partner: “I know…I could get in an accident and get hurt, too.”

HoH: “See?  You know this is dangerous, sweetheart.  You could have gotten hurt or killed, and, if the kids had been in the car with you, you could have gotten them hurt or killed as well.  On top of all that, you could hurt or kill another innocent driver on the road.  Obviously you can get a ticket as well.  It’s extremely important we get this fixed.  I need you, and our kids need you.  I don’t even know how we’d survive without you.”

Submissive Partner: “Yeah, I understand.  You’re right.  I just wasn’t thinking about it like that.  You’ve told me before how dangerous it is..I guess I just thought it wasn’t a big deal to send ONE little message, but I know I shouldn’t have been on my phone.”

HoH: “All I’m asking you to do is to keep your phone off when driving.  It’s really really dangerous.  Our family loves you, and we need you.”

Submissive Partner: “I understand.  I’m really sorry.  I wasn’t thinking.”

  It’s important the HoH ask the submissive partner a few questions to get them thinking about the behavior and aid in them coming to the realization that this was dangerous and/or poor judgment.  The submissive partner saying the dangerous behavior out loud will not only help them come to this realization, but will also illustrate to the HoH that they’ve thought about it, they’ve come to that realization, and they know a rule of the relationship was broken.  By doing this, it is MUCH more effective in changing the thought process about the problem for the future, and the submissive partner will be WAY less likely to make the same mistake again.  The next time their phone buzzes in the car, they’ll immediately think about how dangerous it is to take their eyes off the road and respond to a text message while driving.

The transition into the punishment is important as well.  The HoH needs to bring the punishment into the conversation at the END of the lecture.  The HoH needs to prompt the submissive partner to discuss what the punishment is going to be.  Let’s pick up the example conversation where it left off:

Submissive Partner: “I understand.  I’m really sorry.  I wasn’t thinking.”

HoH: “Well that’s the whole point of this conversation, dear.  To get you thinking before you act.  Think about why texting while driving is dangerous.  Avoid the temptation all together.  On your way home, turn your phone off, put it on silent, toss it in the backseat – do something so it doesn’t distract you while you’re driving.”

Submissive Partner: “Alright, I understand.”

HoH: “You can handle that, right?”

Submissive Partner: “Yeah, I can handle that.  It makes sense.  I’ll be safer when I’m driving.”

HoH: “Thank you.  That’s all I’m looking for.  Well, it sounds like you understand why this is a problem.  I think we both know you’re being punished for this.”

Submissive Partner: “Yeah..I guess so.”

HoH: “What’s our consequence for breaking this rule?”

Submissive Partner: “I don’t know.”

HoH: “Yes, I think you do.”

Submissive Partner: “Um..I’m grounded for a while?”

HoH: “Well no, I think it’s a little more serious than that.  Try again.”

Submissive Partner: “Uh..well..a spanking I guess.”

HoH: “Yes, that’s the consequence we agreed on for breaking this rule.  This is a serious enough thing and much too dangerous to be happening again.  It can’t happen again.  I’m proud of you, honey.  I appreciate you handling this so well.  Let’s take care of this.”

(Followed by a hug – then proceed to spank)

The submissive partner has illustrated that they understand a spanking is the agreed upon consequence for breaking this rule.  Once that happens, it’s over with.  The submissive partner can’t really argue or negotiate at that point.  Cooperation should be much better, and things should go much more smoothly for both partners.  The conversation may or may not go this well, but it illustrates the points of letting the SUBMISSIVE PARTNER come to the realization of the mistake on their own, and letting THEM say what the punishment will be.  This is where the long term correction of a mistake takes place, which greatly reduces the probability of the negative behavior repeating.  This entire conversation should be right around 5-10 minutes long.  Tops.

It’s important the HoH conduct a lecture in each punishment situation.  Not just with spankable offenses, but with all punishments.  It doesn’t always have to be a 5-10 minute lecture – it just needs to be long enough that the HoH get those two responses and realizations from the submissive partner:  1) why the behavior was/is a problem, and 2) what the punishment is going to be.

There you have it.  Lecturing 101.  I hope it made sense.  Lecturing is certainly an important aspect of any domestic discipline relationship.  It’s absolutely vital to the long term correction of a mistake/problem.  It all makes sense when you think about it.

– Clint

© 2011 Learning Domestic Discipline

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Throughout this website, punishments have been the main focus up to this point.  Punishments are obviously a huge part of Domestic Discipline, but it’s time to look at another big part of Domestic Discipline – reinforcement/rewarding.  This aspect of Domestic Discipline is often overlooked, but it can be effective in getting a desired behavior repeated, or aid in getting an unwanted behavior corrected.

We’ll start with the definition of reinforcement.  Reinforcement is the process of increasing the probability of a positive behavior by rewarding that positive behavior. Reinforcement is the opposite of punishment.

I’m going to use one of my favorite examples.  I always get laughed at with this example, but it just illustrates reinforcement so well.

You’re in a waiting room with two vending machines – one with drinks, one with snacks.  You put your dollar in both machines, you press the buttons for the items you want, you get your drink but not your snack.  The vending machine with drinks dispensed your item, the vending machine with the snacks did not.  Now – which vending machine are you going to use in the future?  The one that actually worked, right?  Why?  Because you were reinforced.  The insertion of the dollar was your action, the drink that was dispensed was your reinforcement.  That’s the underlying principle with this whole reinforcement/rewarding thing.  Reinforcement (your beverage) increases the probability of you repeating the behavior (inserting your dollar).

I know that example is silly, but everyone understands it and that’s exactly what reinforcement is.  A professor in my Behavior Analysis class used this example and it has always stuck with me.  So how does this help in getting a behavior corrected?  I’ll explain.

Let’s say the wife is giving her husband a lot of attitude, and he doesn’t appreciate it.  The best course of action is to punish, however, it’s equally as important to reinforce the times when she has a GREAT attitude.  There will be days where the wife is happy, ambitious, productive, and pleasant.  These times are when the husband should reinforce that behavior if he wants to see it happen again.

Reinforcement can be as small as, “Thank you for everything you did today sweetheart.  I hope you know how much I appreciate everything you do for our family.  I couldn’t do this without you.“  Or it could be something like, “I’m so impressed with how you handled yourself today honey.  I think we should go to _____________ (her favorite restaurant) this weekend.  Call (whomever) and see if they’ll watch the kids.  It’ll be just you and me.“

By INCREASING the probability of the behavior happening again, this will naturally DECREASE the probability of the unwanted behavior from happening again.  You’re getting two things done with one action, which makes it very effective.  Meanwhile, the wife is happy since she just got rewarded by her husband for a job well done.  It’s a win-win for everyone.

Reinforcement can be a million different things.  Any kind of reward would help in getting the behavior to repeat.  If she made a great dinner, thank her and tell her so.  If she had a good day, go out for some kind of dessert (ice cream, pie, whatever).  If she has a good week, take her to that movie she wants to see.  If she has a good month, get her a gift card to the spa.  If she has a good several months, spend a weekend together at a nice hotel.  It can be anything the husband knows his wife will enjoy.  The element of surprise will make it more effective, too.

The husband doesn’t have to reinforce EVERY little thing his wife does well.  That’s not the point, nor is it very possible.  A “thank you” or “I really appreciate that” can be said dozens of times a day, but bigger things like gifts or vacations should be for “bigger” accomplishments.  As with everything in Domestic Discipline, be fair.  Don’t go overboard with reinforcement, but be fair.  There’s nothing wrong with giving the wife the credit she deserves every once in a while.  And we all know the saying – “A happy wife is a happy life.” 

Something as little as “Thank you, dear.  That dinner was fantastic.” followed by a kiss can go a LONG way.  It makes the wife feel appreciated and loved, which is essentially what Domestic Discipline is all about.  I’m sure a lot of couples do this already, which is great.  I’m sure it’s beneficial to their marriage.  It’ll be beneficial for your marriage if you start doing this as well, or if you do it a little more often.

– Clint

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Next to being inconsistent, there may not be an aspect of a domestic discipline marriage that husbands (or HoHs) struggle with more than lecturing.  As difficult as it may be to do, it’s important there be a lecture during the entire punishment process to achieve long-term correction of any unwanted, dangerous, or detrimental action or behavior.

When a mistake is made or poor judgment is exhibited by the wife, generally speaking she wasn’t thinking just moments before the mistake/poor judgment happened.  That’s the purpose of a lecture and why it’s so important – to take her back to that moment, get her thinking about it, and offer suggestions in order to change her thought process in a positive way for the next time she’s in a similar situation.

Lecturing has been discussed on Learning Domestic Discipline before.  The importance of lecturing and how it’s recommended to be done is detailed in length within that post.  As such, this post won’t go into the how and the why of the lecture since that has already been covered, but will rather discuss an alternate way of doing so that some wives respond better to.

This method is known as “reverse lecturing.”  Perhaps contrary to your initial thought, this is NOT a concept where the wife lectures the husband in any given punishment situation.  I’m sure many wives would appreciate the opportunity to do so, however that isn’t how reverse lecturing works.  Sorry to burst your bubbles, wives.

Reverse lecturing is when the husband conducts the lecture after the punishment has been administered to the wife.  Rather than lecturing prior to the punishment, the lecture is conducted afterward when the wife is in a more receptive, cooperative, and – as much as I dislike this term – submissive state.  Husbands, generally speaking, are also in a more calm and more rational state of mind after the punishment is carried out, which is beneficial to the overall effectiveness of the lecture.

If and when the lecture is done prior to the punishment, there are a couple of problems that may arise.  The wife may be upset and uncooperative, or she may not be listening attentively, or she may not be taking her husband and the points he’s making seriously, or she may simply be in a defiant state of mind and unwilling to participate or cooperate with the lecture.  When the wife exhibits any of these behaviors, not only does it escalate frustration and disappointment in the husband, it also renders any lecturing done far less effective.

Reverse lecturing offers husbands an alternate way of approaching the lecturing process that can be effective for a lot of couples.  As I mentioned earlier, after a punishment – particularly after a spanking – the wife is much more receptive to what her husband says, and much more cooperative with him.  The message has been sent through punishment that any defiance will lead to additional punishment, therefore she listens more attentively, understands more clearly, and takes the situation much more seriously.  In short, the lecture “sinks in” much easier when conducted after a punishment for some wives.

With everything said, I still recommend lecturing prior to the punishment the most often.  There are three reasons for that.  One, the wife understands very clearly why she’s being punished and what punishment to expect before it happens.  That’s only fair to her.  Two, it gives the couple an opportunity to communicate, give each side of the story, and give both spouses time to calm down before the punishment is carried out if either one happens to be upset or angry.  Three, since the lecture was already done, the primary focus after the punishment can then be on comforting and emotional bonding, which is extremely important to the health and growth of any relationship.

If lecturing prior to the punishment is ineffective for a couple for whatever reason, or if the husband encounters any of the previously mentioned problems with his wife when he goes to lecture her (her not listening, her not taking it seriously, her being uncooperative, etc.), then reverse lecturing offers and alternate way of conducting the lecture that may prove effective for their marriage.

Every wife will respond differently to the lecturing process.  Some will respond better to lectures before the punishment, some will respond better to lectures after the punishment.  While reverse lecturing may be effective for one couple, it may not be for another.  As with most aspects of a Domestic Discipline relationship, couples should work together in finding what works best for their marriage.

– Clint

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Obtaining consent from your spouse before implementing Domestic Discipline into your marriage is critical to the success of the entire concept.  Without consent, punishments and consequences to actions/behaviors may be viewed as controlling, tyrannical, inappropriate, ridiculous, etc.  In addition, the dynamic that is supposed to operate and feel like a husband/wife one may feel very much like a parent/child one instead.

Consent isn’t given on a case-by-case, punishment-by-punishment basis, either.  When consent is given to practice Domestic Discipline from one spouse to the other within a marriage, that consent encompasses the entire lifestyle and everything that comes with it.   This concept is referred to as nonconsensual consent (defined in the LDD Glossary).

Consent means everything in a Domestic Discipline marriage.  It simply does not work without it.  People tend to focus on the woman giving consent to this lifestyle, but the man must give consent to it as well.  Both spouses MUST be on board with practicing Domestic Discipline in their marriage.  Additionally, the consent from both spouses must be present for the duration that Domestic Discipline is practiced in any given relationship/marriage.

But what if either spouse is unhappy with how the Domestic Discipline dynamic is operating in their marriage?  Can a spouse withdraw consent?

Of course they can.  A spouse can withdraw consent any time they wish if that’s what they truly want.  Before withdrawing consent, however, I would advise the withdrawing spouse to carefully think about the ramifications of that decision, and how that decision will impact the marriage going forward.  We’ll get to that in a moment.  First let’s talk about why one would withdraw consent in the first place.

There are four common reasons why a spouse would withdraw consent.

1)  One spouse “doesn’t get it.”  Or on the other side of the token, one spouse feels that their husband/wife “doesn’t get it.”  It may be that one spouse isn’t understanding their role in the Domestic Discipline dynamic, or one spouse is taking advantage of their role and/or exploiting it to satisfy personal agendas, or one spouse has an anger problem and can’t control themselves, or one spouse is frustrated with their husband/wife for inconsistency/lack of cooperation/lack of understanding – whatever the case may be, something is wrong and one of the spouses isn’t understanding how this dynamic is intended to operate in a healthy, constructive way.

2) – One spouse is not seeing any improvement in the marriage, or is frustrated with the lifestyle in general, or finds living this way to be “too hard.”  One spouse finds it “too hard” to remain consistent, or one spouse finds it “too hard” to follow all the rules, so they decide it’s just easier to stop all together.

3) – A beginner couple expects Domestic Discipline to magically “cure” their marriage in a very short amount of time.  When that doesn’t happen and it takes time to correct major issues in the marriage, one spouse becomes impatient and jumps to the conclusion that the lifestyle isn’t working.  In a hasty decision, they withdraw consent and are done “trying” it.

4) – A mentality of, “if DD was working, this mistake never would have happened in the first place,” develops.   This mentality typically develops after a few years of living the lifestyle when punishments are relatively infrequent.  A rare spankable offense occurs, which frustrates one/both spouse(s), and rather than dealing with the issue, it’s easier to just withdraw consent.  This developed mentality has discouraged the withdrawing spouse, so they want to stop with the lifestyle.  They feel it isn’t effective anymore.

All four reasons make sense, and in most cases would be the “easiest” way to handle things.  It’s not always easy to practice a Domestic Discipline lifestyle for either spouse.  It’s challenging to live this way no doubt, but the pros far outweigh the cons if the lifestyle is being practiced correctly.  That point has been covered thoroughly throughout the blog.

As I said before, it’s absolutely the right of either spouse to withdraw consent at any time.  In some cases, a spouse SHOULD withdraw consent (I’m referring to reason number one outlined above, i.e. anger problems, abusive situations, etc.).  However, withdrawing consent can have some unexpected challenges that may prove to cause more harm than good to the marriage in the long run.

The first challenge a couple may face after one spouse withdraws consent is confusion.  What I mean by that is consent cannot be an on-again, off-again thing.  “Yes, I consent to the lifestyle,” (two months later) “I don’t want to do this anymore!” (three months later) “Let’s give DD another try,” (one month later) “Nope, still isn’t working,” (four months later) “I was seeing improvement..let’s try it one more time,” (two months later) “I hate being in trouble all the time!  We’re not doing this anymore!“

Do I really need to explain why this would do more harm than good to a marriage?  If there’s no commitment to the lifestyle one way or the other, chaos will ensue.  The lifestyle will never work like that.  Behaviors will not improve.  In fact, they’ll likely get worse.  Communication will be explosive and counter-productive.  This gives the wife too much control, meaning she can pick and choose when she gets punished and when she doesn’t.  It just does not – and will not – work that way.  If one spouse doesn’t want to practice DD anymore that’s fine, but commit to that decision.  Otherwise the marriage will suffer long term.

The second challenge a couple may face is the crumbling of the marriage structure.  After years of putting in work to make the marriage stable and healthy with Domestic Discipline,  the marriage would then have no foundation in which to build upon (or remain stable upon) without consent from both spouses.  There would be no rules/punishments anymore, so the incentive to behave would be gone, creating trust problems, communication problems, respect problems, safety issues, etc., etc., etc.

The third challenge a couple may face is the “there’s no going back” factor.  We already covered why this can’t be an on-again, off-again thing.  Once a spouse withdraws consent, that’s it.  Done deal.  There’s no going back.  Sure a couple can give it another try if they wish, but how will a spouse truly know his/her withdrawing spouse is committed to it the second time around?  If a spouse withdraws consent, it needs to be a permanent decision for the long-term benefit of the marriage.  Going back and forth on this decision just isn’t healthy.

Domestic Discipline isn’t for everyone.  Not every couple can practice Domestic Discipline, or wants to.  However, if a couple chooses to live this way, it’s important that the lifestyle is taken seriously at all times by both spouses.  Consenting to Domestic Discipline is a lifelong commitment.  It’s not an easy lifestyle to live, but it’s a rewarding one if done correctly.  A spouse must decide if Domestic Discipline is the lifestyle for them, and once that decision is made, it must not change if the marriage is going to grow and stabilize in a healthy way.

If an individual practices Domestic Discipline, chances are they chose to do so.  If that individual does not wish to practice anymore, they can absolutely choose not to.  I simply suggest that individual think a little more deeply about their decision before fully committing to it.

– Clint

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The domestic discipline lifestyle can be a very challenging lifestyle to live for both spouses, but obviously there’s a reason couples choose to incorporate this dynamic into their marriages.  Many reasons, in fact.  Those reasons go way beyond simply modifying and improving behaviors.  Domestic discipline enhances and strengthens many important marital components that are essential in achieving happiness, harmony, and stability in the home and marriage.

The LDD Marriage Building Workshop series will focus on these components and give them the proper attention they need, as well as provide exercises that are intended to improve upon any given component.  We’ll start with the important marital component that seems to be the most problematic for couples — communication.

Communication is covered a lot on Learning Domestic Discipline (see links at the end of this entry).  There are two reasons for that – 1) it’s extremely important in any relationship, not just a domestic discipline one, and 2) I find myself recommending couples communicate with each other rather frequently, which suggests to me that the scope of this problem is a bit larger than I originally thought.

Before we get to the “how” of communication, let’s start with the five “W’s” first.

Who needs to communicate in a domestic discipline marriage?

The answer is obvious and easy – both spouses need to keep the lines of communication open at all times.  The problem I’m seeing regularly in couples is the execution of that answer.  For one reason or another, one spouse can’t seem to communicate effectively with the other, or both spouses can’t communicate with each other, and that’s a problem.  A BIG problem.  A husband or a wife should always feel comfortable approaching their spouse about anything and everything.  Not just about domestic discipline related topics – about ANYTHING an EVERYTHING.

What is the most effective way to communicate?

This will vary with every couple, but the option I recommend the most is verbal communication, face-to-face, in a distraction free environment.  Communication between spouses is generally the most effective and most meaningful when eye contact and body language are involved.   Face-to-face conversations, simply put, are more intimate and intense.

That isn’t the only option, however.  In today’s technological, dwindling attention span world, things like phone calls, text messages, emails, letters, and social network messages are forms of communication as well.  These options may be the only way to “get through” to a spouse, however I strongly advise a couple give the recommended option their best genuine effort before resorting to an alternate option.

When is the best time to communicate with your spouse?

This is a trick question.  There isn’t a specific time that’s best to communicate with you spouse.  The answer to this question is always.  If the line of communication isn’t open between spouses at all times, the marriage will seriously suffer.  The marriage will not grow and improve, and progress will be stunted.  There isn’t much more to elaborate on with this one.

Where is the best place to communicate with your spouse?

The answer to this one is more general, and situationally based.  If it’s a sensitive topic, a couple should communicate in a private setting.  That may be in the privacy of their own home, or in the car, or in a private public place – wherever it may be, it needs to be private.  If it’s virtually any other situation than a sensitive topic, a couple should always feel comfortable communicating with each other in any place, at any time, in any situation.

Why is communication so important?

Communication helps a couple to understand one another and see things from the other spouses point of view.  Communication helps to achieve common goals in a marriage.  Communication relieves or prevents many potentially troubling and disruptive emotions such as worry, guilt, stress, anger, frustration, and more.  Communication improves the ability to compromise in both spouses.  I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that without the strong ability to communicate with your spouse, the marriage will grow distant, empty, and hollow.  Again, it’s important to always keep those lines of communication open at all times between spouses, regardless of time, place, situation, or circumstance.

Now to the all important “how” question.

How do we improve the communication in our marriage?

Before I offer suggestions and exercises to improve communication, there are some universal rules that must be followed by both spouses before participating in any of the suggestions/exercises below.

1. No finger-pointing, or playing the “blame game.”  All that does is create anger, tension, resentment, and irritation, which is/are the exact opposite of the goal(s).
2. Listen to your spouse, don’t just hear them.  Think about what it is they’re saying to you.  Soak it in.  Understand it.  Listen.
3. Allow your spouse to speak without interruption.   They have as much of a right to make their point as you do.  Give them their rightful opportunity.
4. Do not get defensive.  Most of the time, your spouse isn’t attacking you – your spouse is doing their part in helping to build communication between the two of you.  You need to know what it is you are (or are not) doing that is counter-productive to the mutual communication goals of your marriage.  Take it as constructive criticism, not an “attack.”
5. Work together.  A problem will not improve if the conversation is one-sided.  Work with your spouse to find a solution.

With those ground rules in place, here are a few suggestions and exercises to help build communication in your marriage.

Option #1 — Devote an allotted amount of time each week to discuss the state of your marriage.  If the state of the marriage is all fine and dandy, devote that time to simply talking about whatever it is that’s on your mind.

Example:  For one hour every Sunday night, when the kids are in bed, turn off all cell phones, television sets, computers, etc. and focus solely on your spouse/marriage.  Set goals for the week, talk about ways to improve DD, talk about things you need to work on, talk about that hilarious TV show you just watched – talk about whatever.  Just. Talk. To. Your. Spouse.  Free of distractions.

Option #2 — Dedicate at least one entire day per month to focus solely on your spouse/marriage.  From the moment you wake up to the moment your head hits the pillow that night, the only focus that day is your spouse.  Eliminate all distractions (work, cell phone, computer, have the kids go to their grandparents house for the day, etc.) and enjoy a great, stress-free day with your spouse.  Talk about anything and everything that comes to mind, keeping in mind those 5 rules above.

Example: On the third Saturday of every month, when neither spouse has to work and the kids can stay with their grandparents for the day, plan a day where you and your spouse eat breakfast at your favorite restaurant, you both enjoy a little stroll through the park, you catch a matinee movie that afternoon, you eat at your favorite steakhouse, and you wrap the night up with a relaxing bubble bath together.  Make yourselves some fruit smoothies, too.  That always helps.  It’s YOUR day.  Do whatever you want with your spouse.  Just the two of you.  Talk about whatever you want.  At least one day a month.  That’s it.

Option #3 — Do this exercise. (Courtesy of heartrelationships.com)

Option #4 — Read, and do (where applicable), the LDD links below.

Option #5 — Hand write, or type up, and “open letter” to your spouse.  An “open letter” is one that expresses how you feel about your relationship with your spouse,  and how you feel about the state of your marriage, in a very candid, open, and honest way.  Have your spouse read it out loud back to you, then talk about why you wrote what you wrote, why you feel the way you do, and how you feel you can both work together to improve upon things.

I understand that communicating with your spouse can sometimes be difficult.  Perhaps you have a stubborn spouse, or maybe you don’t want to come off as critical or confrontational, or maybe you just don’t know what to say or how to go about saying it.  Trust me, I completely understand all those things.  If any of these things are an obstacle in achieving effective communication between you and your spouse, there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

The above options give you choices in combating your communication problem.  The links below give you more resources to improve the communication in your marriage.  All it takes is a little time, focus, and genuine effort to improve the communication between you and your spouse, and I’m confident in saying that communication in your marriage will improve if you wholeheartedly dedicate these things (time, focus, effort) to improving it.

– Clint

More Communication Related Links From LDD:

• Getting the Husband on Board With Domestic Discipline
• The Art of the Lecture
• Effectiveness of Cues/Warnings
• The Importance of Consistency
• Commenter FAQs – Communication Edition
• January Couples Challenge – Compliments
• June Couples Challenge – Great Qualities
• July Couples Challenge – Great Qualities II
• August Couples Challenge – Confessions

The post The LDD Marriage Building Workshop: Communication appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Last week in the LDD Marriage Building Workshop we broke down the important marital component of communication.  We discussed how essential communication is in enhancing not just the domestic discipline aspect of a marriage, but the entire marriage dynamic as a whole.  This week in the workshop we’ll break down and focus on another essential marital component – affection/intimacy.

Generally speaking, husbands are the most happy when they feel loved, respected, wanted, and appreciated by their wives.  Wives are the most happy when they feel loved, respected, needed, and cherished by their husbands.

When you look at those things, do you regularly make your spouse feel that way?  As a husband, you may make your wife feel loved and respected regularly, but do you make her feel needed and cherished regularly?

As a wife, you may make your husband feel loved and respected regularly, but do you make him feel wanted and appreciated regularly?  Some of these things are more easily expressed than others, but there may be one or more of these things that is lacking in your marriage, and that’s what we’re working to improve upon here in the LDD Workshop.  All of these things can be improved upon (or enhanced) with affection and intimacy.

Time for the five “W’s.”

Who needs affection and intimacy, and who needs to express it?

I’m glad the first “W” is easy.  Both spouses need affection and intimacy regularly, and both spouses need to express them regularly.  Some need affection and intimacy more than others, but everyone needs it in some form.

What is the most effective way to show affection/intimacy?

Every individual will respond a little differently to various expressions of affection and intimacy.  Expression of affection and intimacy can be done in a variety of ways.  Affection and intimacy can be expressed verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually.  Saying, “I love you,” or, “I appreciate you,” regularly is an example of verbal expression of affection/intimacy; acknowledging and responding constructively to the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of your spouse is an example of emotional expression of affection/intimacy; regularly kissing and hugging your spouse are examples of physical expressions of affection/intimacy; and having a sexual experience is obviously a sexual expression of affection/intimacy.

All of these are important in enhancing both affection and intimacy, and every means of expression (verbal, emotional, physical, sexual) will yield varying degrees of effectiveness with your spouse.  To improve this aspect of your marriage, identify which one(s) is/are lacking, and make a conscious effort to improve upon it/them.

When is the best time to show affection?  When is the best time to be intimate?

When it comes to verbal, emotional, and physical expression of affection and intimacy, any time in any situation is appropriate so long as it is not done so excessively.  When it comes to sexual expression of affection and intimacy, a private setting is the most appropriate time.  The important thing to remember when it comes to the “when” of affection and intimacy is that it needs to be done regularly, and with sincerity.

Where is the best place to show affection?  Where is the best place to show intimacy?

The answer to this question is essentially the same as the answer to the “when” question.  When it comes to verbal/emotional/physical expression, any place or setting is appropriate.  When it comes to sexual expression of affection and intimacy, a private setting is the most appropriate.

Why are affection and intimacy so important?

Bottom line – It’s nice to know your spouse loves you, respects you, wants/needs you, and appreciates/cherishes you.  Simply put, it’s a nice feeling to know that you’re loved by the one you love.  Every spouse needs that.  That’s why affection and intimacy are so important.

Now the all important “how” question.

How do we improve affection and intimacy in our marriage?

Here are a few suggestions and options to help improve affection and intimacy in your marriage.

Option #1 — If you don’t already do so, make it a priority to give your spouse a minimum of one hug and one kiss per day.  Again, that’s a minimum of one hug and one kiss per day.  Additionally, make it a priority to say, “I love you,” to your spouse at least once per day.  Again, at least once per day.  Ideally these things happen more frequently than once per day.  That’s a goal to work toward.

Option #2 — Look into maintenance spankings.  A big reason couples choose to incorporate maintenance spankings into their marriages is for this exact reason – to enhance and build affection and intimacy in their relationship.  If you do not currently do maintenance spankings, and your marriage is lacking in affection and intimacy, they may be worth looking into.

Option #3 — Plan a romantic evening together for just the two of you.  Go to a classy, elegant restaurant and enjoy a dark, candle-lit dinner together.  After dinner, head to the beach, or the lake, or the mountains, or some other quiet place that’s somewhat secluded and serene.  Walk hand in hand around the area, or sit down in each others arms and be affectionate with one another.  Kiss each other, hold each other, cuddle up together, gently run your fingertips down your spouses arms and back, give shoulder massages – whatever you do, make sure it includes a lot of the stimulating senses of touch and feel.  Making time to do this and making it a priority will go a long way in improving affection and intimacy between you and your spouse.

Option #4 — Initiate sex.  When was the last time you did this?  Maybe it was an hour ago or maybe it was a month ago, but if you haven’t done so in a while, it would help the affection and intimacy in your marriage a great deal if you did so every now and again.  A good time to do this option would be after you do option #3, by the way.

Option #5 — As mentioned before, husbands need to feel wanted and appreciated, and wives need to feel needed and cherished.  Let your spouse know how much you want, appreciate, need, and cherish them regularly.

Example:  Make it a priority to say something like, “I appreciate you working so hard, every day, to provide for our family.  We depend on you so much, and you always come through for us.  Thank you.  I hope you know how much you’re appreciated.“

or,

“This family just doesn’t function without you.  I need you, and the kids need you.  You mean so much to us and you’re the glue that keeps this family together.  I hope you know how much I love you, and how much our kids love you.“

The options above give you some choices on ways you can improve upon affection and intimacy in your marriage.  The links below give you more resources to improve upon affection and intimacy.

We all love our spouse.  None of us would have married them if we didn’t.  When it comes to affection and intimacy, sometimes it just boils down to how much of a priority we make it, and how much of an effort we put into improving in these areas.  Affection and intimacy can easily be improved upon if you’re willing to make a genuine and sincere effort in doing so.

– Clint

More Affection/Intimacy Related Links From LDD:

• Over or Under the Clothes? – The Pros and Cons
• Rubbing Before, During, and After a Spanking
• Maintenance Spankings
• The Importance of Crying
• Appreciating My Wife
• My Inspiration To Be A Better HoH
• January Couples Challenge – Compliments
• March Couples Challenge – Appreciation

More From the LDD Marriage Building Workshop:

• Communication

The post The LDD Marriage Building Workshop: Affection/Intimacy appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

  One of the most important components to the entire punishment process is the comforting between partners/spouses after a punishment has been administered.  It’s in these moments that the emotional connection between partners/spouses is magnified, strengthened and enhanced, which, for many couples, is a main reason why (if not the primary reason why) they choose to live the domestic discipline lifestyle.

  The moments just after a punishment are very vulnerable moments for both individuals in the relationship, particularly if the punishment happened to be a spanking.  It’s important this comforting take place in some form after all punishments, however, not just spankings.  Even something as simple as a hug and a kiss after corner time, bedroom time, writing lines, apology letters, etc. can help a couple to reconnect and strengthen that emotional bond between them. 

Why is comforting after a punishment so important? 

  In addition to the emotional connection between the couple being strengthened and enhanced, the comforting after a punishment also helps the wife feel forgiven, cared for, safe, protected, happy, and most importantly – loved.  You don’t need me to tell you that those are all extremely important things in a marriage. 

  The comforting after a punishment also helps the wife to remain focused on the infraction.  If no comforting takes place after the punishment, the wife may feel alone and/or abandoned by her husband (especially after a spanking), which may shift her focus to her feelings of resentment and/or emptiness rather than why she was punished in the first place.  That obviously would not help in getting the behavior corrected long term, and it wouldn’t do any favors for the relationship, either.

  For the HoH, there are two different perspectives to consider when it comes to the comforting after a punishment.  On one hand, showing compassion helps the husband to feel as though he’s doing his “job” by protecting his wife and being there for her emotionally.  He’s dependable, he’s reliable, he’s there in her time of need.  He can be counted on.  He can be trusted.  He’s seeing things through to the end.  That tends to make the husband feel good about himself, and tends to build his confidence (and the wife typically appreciates all of those things, too).

  On the other hand, the comforting after the punishment can help the husband feel cared for and loved as well.  Administering a punishment, particularly a spanking, can be an emotionally difficult thing for a husband to go through, just as it is for the wife.  He may be the one that needs the reassurance, the reaffirmation, the support – which, when given by the wife, makes the husband feel loved, cared for, happy, and in some instances, relieved. 

  There are a lot of delicate emotions involved after a punishment, particularly after a spanking.  It’s important both spouses are there for each other emotionally, offering reassurance, love, and support in those vulnerable moments.

If a husband were to comfort his wife after a punishment, wouldn’t that send the message to her that the mistake was okay?

  Not necessarily.  It’s pretty safe to say that most punished individuals already know that their mistake wasn’t “okay.”  That’s why they got punished to begin with.  Comforting after a punishment wouldn’t negate that. 

  If a husband does NOT comfort after a punishment, the wife may develop feelings of anger and/or resentment towards him, as briefly mentioned earlier.  She may feel as though he doesn’t care about her, or the relationship, or the domestic discipline aspect of their relationship.  She may feel alone and empty, or she may feel as though her husband isn’t working with her to achieve the common goals of the marriage.  It could potentially lead to arguments, discontent in the home, turmoil in the relationship, etc.  Nobody wants that (I hope).

  Let me just put it this way – not comforting after the punishment could potentially be very disruptive to the relationship, and the home.  That’s really the bottom line.  It wouldn’t send the message that the mistake was okay.

What’s the best way to comfort after a punishment?

  This depends a lot on the punishment, and the particular couple.  For instance, after a corner time punishment, a brief hug and a kiss may satisfy both partners.  Maybe after a bedroom time punishment, a couple prefers to cuddle up on the couch and just embrace for a while.  Maybe after a spanking, a couple prefers to cuddle up and embrace on the bed, hugging, kissing, and gently rubbing each others arms and back.  Whatever a couple chooses to do to show support and affection, it’s important it be done for the overall effectiveness of the punishment and the emotional health of the relationship.

  It’s always a good idea to offer words of encouragement, contrition, and love in these moments as well.  Saying things like, “You handled your punishment well.  Thank you,” or “I love you sweetheart,” or “I’m sorry for my mistake.  It won’t happen again,” etc. are always helpful in these moments.

  It’s also recommended that the husband reiterate at some point during the comforting that the wife’s behavior was inappropriate, unacceptable, etc.  He should briefly make it clear, one last time, that the behavior needs to stop/not happen again in the future, all while expressing himself calmly with genuine care and concern.

How long should the comforting last?

  After a spanking, it’s recommended the comforting continue until the wife is completely composed/calmed down and able to conduct herself “normally” without any tears, sniffling, etc.  That time frame may be five minutes or it may be an hour – it’ll differ for every couple, and it’ll depend heavily on the severity of the spanking.

  For a non-physical punishment (corner time, bedroom time, writing lines, soap in the mouth, etc.), the comforting afterward is recommended to be fairly brief.  In most instances these punishments require minimal comforting (in comparison to the comforting after a spanking), so it typically is only necessary for a minute or two.  If the comforting lasts any longer than that, it may become a bit awkward.  A meaningful hug, a gentle kiss, and a quick reminder from the HoH (or something similar to that) is sufficient in most non-physical punishment cases, which doesn’t take long at all.

  In a domestic discipline relationship/marriage, it’s important not to underestimate the power of comforting after a punishment.  The moment after a punishment, particularly after a spanking, is a very intimate moment between spouses, and a moment that “normal” relationships do not get to experience.  It’s these moments that make a domestic discipline relationship/marriage so unique and so special.  Embrace them, and take the time to make them great.  Your relationship/marriage will thank you for it.

© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post Comforting After Punishment appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Learning Domestic Discipline is pleased to announce the launch if its podcast series!  We (Clint and Chelsea) recorded our first podcast and it is now available for download!

Here is some information about the first ever LDD Podcast:

• Topics discussed include the LDD definition of domestic discipline, the pros and cons to living the lifestyle, and what domestic discipline means to YOU under your own personal morals, ethics, and code of conduct.
• The length of the podcast is just over 45 minutes long.
• The podcast is free to download.
• The podcast can be transferred and listened in your car, on your iPod, and much more! If you need instructions on how to do this please leave a comment below, or contact us. 
• And one last insider note – we started the podcast as a “test run”, but as we got further and further into the recording, we just went with it!  We recorded this podcast in one take!  Whether that’s a good or bad thing is still being determined…

  We’re brand new to recording podcasts, so we welcome any and all feedback.  This is the first one we’ve ever done and we’re well aware there is plenty of room for improvement, so any suggestions/feedback from our readers/listeners will be taken into consideration in an effort to improve upon our future podcasts. We thank you in advance for any and all feedback.

  In the upcoming weeks Learning Domestic Discipline will be having a podcast section of the blog. Within that section will be this podcast along with all future podcasts we do over the upcoming weeks, months, and years.   

This is the first podcast in our Beginning Domestic Discipline series.  Eventually we will be making podcasts for all different types of series including the spanking series, the domestic discipline obstacles series, and more.

Quick reminder — We have a number of additional free downloads available, which you can read more about by clicking here.  We also currently have FOUR promotional packages running on all LDD eBooks!  Stop by to find the right one for you!

Thank you for your interest in the podcast, and for downloading and listening.  We hope you enjoy it!

Please fill out the form below to have the podcast file automatically emailed to you.

If you’re interested in downloading the learning domestic discipline podcast please input your email address. You must input your email address for the sole reason of being able to receive the download. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose.

*Please note that the file size is large due to the podcast being 45 minutes long.  Due to the file size, it may take awhile for your computer to download the podcast, particular if your internet connection isn’t optimal.*

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The post Introducing the Learning Domestic Discipline Podcast Series! appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Last month we recorded a 45-minute free downloadable podcast on the definition of domestic discipline and the pros and cons to living the lifestyle (among other things).  That was our first ever podcast, and before recording additional ones we wanted to see how LDD readers responded to the first one.

We’re pleased to say that the overall response to the first podcast was positive, and readers/listeners really seemed to enjoy the new podcast feature of the website.  Given the positive response, we’re excited to announce that we’ve recorded a second podcast, which is now available for free download!

We took all of the wonderful feedback about our first podcast and applied it to the second one in hopes of improving the listening experience.  Our second podcast covers the ever-so-important topic of lecturing, and included within it is a real lecture example conducted by the two of us (Clint and Chelsea).

Here’s a little more information about the lecturing podcast:

• Topics discussed include defining what lecturing means to us, why lecturing is a crucial component of domestic discipline, and a breakdown of each of the three different lecturing techniques — standard lecturing, reverse lecturing, and blended spanking/lecturing.
• The podcast is just under 33 minutes long.
• As previously mentioned, this podcast includes a real lecturing example from us (Clint and Chelsea).
• The podcast is free to download.
• The podcast can be transferred and listened to in your car, on your iPod, and much more!  If you need instructions on how to do this, please leave a comment below or contact us.
• The podcast is in mp3 format. If you need another audio format, please comment below or contact us at the link above and we would be happy to convert it for you.

There are three LDD blog entries referenced in the podcast, and here are the links to them for your convenience:

The Art of the Lecture

Reverse Lecturing

Blended Spankings

Also, we’re currently in the process of creating a download site that will include ALL downloads available here at Learning Domestic Discipline in one convenient location.  Until then, the downloads will need to be made on each of the individual blog entries.  We understand the temporary inconvenience of this, however we are working towards an easier solution.  In the meantime, we’ve included the links to all the downloads available on the website below, which hopefully makes things a little easier to find.

The First Domestic Discipline Podcast

The Beginner Packet (over 50 pages long)

Domestic Discipline Contract Examples

Domestic Discipline Punishment Journals

The Spanking Packet (over 85 pages long)

And, of course, the lecturing podcast is available below.  Once again, your feedback helps us to improve our podcast recordings, so we encourage you to give us as much feedback as you can!  Thank you in advance, and we hope you enjoy the lecturing podcast!

To download the lecturing podcast, please fill out the contact form below. The podcast mp3 file will be automatically emailed to you. Please note that a valid email address is required to ensure delivery of the podcast file. Your email address is not collected, or used, for any other purpose.

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The post The Learning Domestic Discipline Lecturing Podcast appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

  Earlier this week, I came across a post by user “Mustbecrazy” in the LDD Forums that really interested me.  She wrote about a recent personal experience of hers and I was so impressed by it that I asked for her permission to make it into a featured LDD blog post.

  This obviously isn’t something I do often (in fact, I think this is the first time I’ve ever done something like this), but I really felt a lot of people could learn from her experience.  Graciously “Mustbecrazy” granted me permission to feature her forum post here on the LDD blog, which I’m very thankful for.  A big personal thank you goes out to “Mustbecrazy” for allowing me to share her personal experience with so many others living the domestic discipline lifestyle. 

  Rather than ruin it by explaining what it’s about, I’ll simply let her post do the talking.  The following was written entirely by “Mustbecrazy” in the LDD Forums.  It contains no modifications, changes, or alterations whatsoever. 

———————————————————

Hi everyone,
Well we’re in to our fourth month of dd and things are going really well.
We are both settling in to our roles and seem to understand each others needs so much better.

But something new happened here at the weekend. My hubs started his own research. Up to now I was doing the research and would then email him relevant things. This was working really good but I had the feeling that my hubs was relying on me to much for information and I had been telling him to do some research by himself. Omg be very careful what you wish for.

He came home on Friday and told me will be having a long chat tonight and that things are going to change round here. I had no ideas what he was going to do. Well after the kids went to bed we sat down and he started.  He was angry as he told me, when he was researching he has come across some information which he thought was important and he wanted to know why I hadn’t been emailing these things to him. That these were very important and he felt I had been keeping it from him on purpose.
We talked about all the stuff he had and it made me realise how much I had been controlling our dd life by just giving him the information I wanted him to have and keeping some stuff to myself. One of his main concerns was that I hadn’t been telling him the importance of maintanace and reminder spankings and about corner time also. About what ideas are behind these and how they should be conducted.

He wanted to know why I had done that and to be honest I had to tell him the truth and said that I was scared and didn’t want such a strict routine. He was very disappointed and I got a very long lecture. It made me feel awful. Why was I keeping things from him?

I realise now that it had to do with control and how I am finding it hard to let go. Now he is very strict and I do get in trouble more than most of the people I have been reading about. But this is ok as we agreed only the best will do and only strict and consistent will work for us. But this was one last area I had control over ( yes control freak) and I was enjoying it.

Well it all changed. After we had our talk he asked what I think he should do as a HOH in this situation and again I had to be truthful and told him if I were the HOH I would punish for deceit and lying and control issues.

Well guess what I did get a heck of a punishment. And then the next morning I got a reminder before I was even out of bed. I got another major punishment last night as he thought he was not over the fact and felt like he needed to deal with it still. I was sent to the corner with my pants down at my ankles as well before and after the spanking it was horrible and humbling.

He has forgiven me and says he sort of understands and as HOH he should have researched earlier and not depended on me. Now we have our rules written down. All on paper with exact definition of what each rule entails and consequences involved. I have to memorise it and he will question me. If I don’t get it right I will be punished.

I know this sounds harsh but I realise what I did was wrong on many levels. I was being dishonest and not helpful to our relationship. I deserved my punishment and even though I have an extremely sore bum I know he loves me and wants the best for me and for us. What i did was wrong. Dd will only work if both parties are being open and honest and respect each other and I hope I have learnt my lesson.

Have you ever wished your HOH would do more research and then get punished when they do? Have you ever kept parts of dd to yourself hoping HOH will not use it with you? Sorry to ask just wondered if this is a feeling others have gone through at the beginning or is it just me.

———————————————————

  Her post touches on something that, at least from my perspective, appears to be more common within the domestic discipline community than I think anyone would care to admit.  There have been several comments left on this website (primarily on the old LDD blogspot site) from DD wives that enjoy any given post, but willingly state that they’re not going to have their husbands read it.

Why is that?  

  Well, I think “Mustbecrazy” gives a transparent glimpse into the thought process of a DD wife when it comes to this situation.  She stated in her post that her personal reasons for keeping potentially helpful information from her husband were her being “scared” and not wanting “such a strict routine.”  The scared part is completely understandable.  If I were a DD wife, I wouldn’t want to pass along information to my HoH that could (and probably would) literally put my rear end on the line, either.  

But is that the spirit of living a domestic discipline lifestyle?

  Not wanting “such a strict routine” is understandable as well.  Maybe an HoH has consistency issues, or doesn’t know how to appropriately handle certain situations, which affords the wife a little wiggle room when it comes to abiding by the rules of the home and marriage.  Perhaps a wife has found a loophole in the routine that they don’t want to lose.  They have “control” over what their HoH reads, fully knowing that he doesn’t have the time to research things himself.  Even though a wife has found a potential solution to any given issue in the marriage, the wife chooses not to share that solution with her husband for fear of losing that “control” or that “loophole.”

What about that?  Is that the spirit of living the domestic discipline lifestyle?  Isn’t consistency what we all want?

  I’m the HoH to one woman and one woman only, and that’s my wife.  As such, I’m not going to go on some big spiel about this, and I’m not going to “lecture” thousands of readers.  I’m posting this to get people, particularly DD wives, thinking about what it really means to live the domestic discipline lifestyle.  I don’t think there is anything to add that would contribute to the message in the forum post from “Mustbecrazy.”  Let’s just say I understand how her husband felt/feels.

  Another thing I found particularly interesting about this forum post is the part where “Mustbecrazy” said her husband asked her what she would do about this situation if she were the HoH.  Sometimes the best way to see the point of view of your spouse is to put yourself squarely in their shoes.  If you’re a DD wife reading this, what would you do in this situation if you were the HoH?  How would you handle things?  Would you be disappointed/hurt/annoyed/frustrated if your spouse didn’t share information that would have helped your marriage immensely?

  This forum post, in my opinion, is superb.  There’s so much more I could say about it, or elaborate on, but this post is getting a little lengthy so I’ll wrap things up.  I understand this post may make some of you feel bad, or feel like a bad spouse, but I assure you that was not  my intent.  I simply felt that a lot of readers could learn from “Mustbecrazy’s” experience, and it’s a situation that, in the end, can really have an impact on a marriage, for better or for worse.  It’s something for us all to think about, no question.

You can find this forum thread by clicking here (must be a member of the forums).  If you’d like to join the forums, you can do so by clicking “Register” in the top left-hand corner of this page.  The LDD Forums are free to join.  Also, please feel free to leave your thoughts, opinions, experiences, etc. in the comment section below.  I’d imagine “Mustbecrazy” would welcome and appreciate all comments.

– Clint

The post The Spirit of Domestic Discipline appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

For weeks Learning Domestic Discipline has been planning and preparing several special promotions for the readers and supporters of the site and its entities.  In fact, one could even say we’ve been working on them for months, considering a number of the promotions include a BRAND NEW eBOOK!!

We are pleased to present our brand new domestic discipline eBook, “Domestic Discipline Boot Camp For Beginners”, on a PRE-RELEASE special for a limited time only.  After February 28th, the eBook will not be available again until the middle of spring.

For the entire month of February ONLY, our brand new eBook, “Domestic Discipline Boot Camp For Beginners” will be available in three of five promotional packages offered exclusively through www.learningdd.com.

All five packages will be offered at a ridiculously low DOORBUSTER price until 11:59pm EST on February 1st ONLY.  After that, the packages will be offered at the discounted promotional price.  Don’t be late and miss out on the best price of the month!

Upon purchase of any of the five packages, you will be emailed a download link for the book(s) and instructions for your new LDD Network membership.  You will also be automatically entered into a raffle drawing for a $100 Amazon.com giftcard + a free 1-year membership to the Learning Domestic Discipline Social Network.  The five packages offer anywhere from 1-4 raffle tickets, depending on which package is purchased.  The more raffle tickets you acquire, the better chance you have at winning the prize!

Additional Raffle Information:

• The raffle drawing will take place on March 8th, 2013.

• The raffle winner will be announced via Twitter and LDD blog.  The winner will be personally notified via email, and will have 48 hours to claim the prize.  If the prize is not claimed within 48 hours, a new winner will be selected and the same process will be repeated until someone claims the prize.

NO PURCHASE IS NECESSARY TO ENTER THE RAFFLE DRAWING!!

• 1 Raffle ticket will be given to anyone who shares the LDD promos via any social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc.) EXCEPT a blog or a website. (Proof required via email to admin (at) learningdd.com)

• 2 Raffle tickets will be given to anyone who shares the LDD promos in any form via blog or website (written post, widget, sidebar link, etc.). (Proof required via email to admin (at) learningdd.com)

  ***If you have any questions or need any help with your purchase, we are standing by to help.  Email contact (at) learningdd.com and we will be happy to assist you as soon as possible.***

  We’re so excited about the pre-release of our new eBook, and we hope you are too!  This eBook would not be possible without the readers and supporters of Learning Domestic Discipline and its entities.  Additionally, these promotions would not be possible without the dedicated LDD staff members working tirelessly on them.  We would like to personally thank our readers and our tremendous LDD staff members for everything they’ve done to make these promotions, and this book, possible.  Thank you all so very much.

– Clint & Chelsea

The post A Brand New eBOOK is Here!! appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

**NOTE: There are 5 domestic discipline boot camp videos posted throughout this post. There is one video above each update, one intro one, and one at the bottom for the original post we made**

INTRODUCTION VIDEO:

**UPDATED AGAIN**

(Updated on February 5th at approximately 9:30 AM EST time)

VIDEO:

This morning we received more information of “Mr. BB Spanker’s” lies. It appears he has decided to now go into a group on FetLife, a popular fetish based site for BDSM, Master/slave, and other types of kink, and continue his lying there since he has been called out for lying on his blog about our domestic discipline boot camp books.

Below is a screenshot of his latest lies.

1. ”Mr. BB Spanker” is now claiming that we have “edited and manipulated” the screenshots we put up in the first part of this post (scroll to the very bottom). The proof is really black and white, and we’re not sure if “Mr. BB Spanker” just completely lacks reading comprehension skills or is imaging things that are not there. He, and everyone else, is well aware those screen shots were taken directly from his blog and the original article we linked contains zero of the footnotes that he added in himself. The original article is still up for everyone to see: http://www.takeninhand.com/forum/my.husband.is.not.my.master.or.is.he and the footnotes that exist on his blog entry, as posted below, are nowhere in that original article. That is very simple, and very black and white. If “Mr. BB Spanker” is claiming that the footnotes he added in/created himself are a part of the original entry then we encourage him to show everyone where in that original entry (found here: http://www.takeninhand.com/forum/my.husband.is.not.my.master.or.is.he) that they exist. Sound shocked everyone, but that will never happen.

2. “Mr. BB Spanker” claims he has “since proven that the footnote was from the original author.” Where is that proof?

We could go on and on about this, but we will once again let the proof speak for itself.

If you’re new to this post, and just want the basics, we have outlined them for you below.

• A blogger by the name of “Mr. BB Spanker” put up a post several months ago in which he stole content from one of our domestic discipline boot camp books and added that content (extremely rephrased/watered down/half-incorrect) into a persons essay from a BDSM training period in 2005, then marketed that post as being “the original” and lied to the domestic discipline community for months about it. (Scroll down to the bottom of this post to see the proof)
• That same blogger (“Mr. BB Spanker”) then completely ignored the proof we posted (because it’s pretty black and white) and moved on to attacking the fact that we had a miscarriage. (See the February 3rd update for proof)
• Then, that same blogger (“Mr. BB Spanker”) ignored that proof (because, once again, it’s pretty black and white) and resorted to lying some more. A woman named Debbie from within the domestic discipline community was one of many who left a comment on “Mr. BB Spanker’s” blog letting him know how ridiculous he is being. “Mr. BB Spanker” then used that as an opportunity to manipulate and lie again, this time by changing almost every word in her comment to reflect highly of himself, as opposed to what her original comment said. He used her comment as a framework to create a comment about himself,  then posted it on his blog. Thankfully, Debbie realized his sick lie, and contacted us with her original comment, and his newly revised and re-written comment. (See the February 4th update for the proof)
• When “Mr. BB Spanker” realized that his blog had been exposed and proof had been given that he lied, he went into a group on Fetlife and spread more lies to the BDSM/Master slave fetish community (which you can read above). He has quite literally lied to everyone in this community.

This entire blog entry is full of screenshots, and proof, that “Mr. BB Spanker” has lied multiple times to multiple members of this community, not just us. Because he cannot prove that the below did not happen (because the evidence has piled up really high against him) he has now resorted to lying about proving everything.

As we have stated, this post will continue to be updated with all of this individuals lies until he stops. Shortly (maybe as soon as today), Learning Domestic Discipline will resume to normal (with new content, and back to work on some of our current projects we are getting ready to launch) but this post will continue to be updated as needed.

We have the comments disabled on this post because we do not want to give “Mr. BB Spanker” another outlet to fuel his drama and another place to create fake comments. He has lied enough on his own blog, but we won’t tolerate his lying on ours.

-Clint and Chelsea

**UPDATED AGAIN**

(Updated on February 4th at approximately 2:00pm EST time)

(Please note we are continuing to disable comments on this post so that our site is dedicated to providing the facts and proof, and is not a source for “Mr. BB Spanker” to continue his drama.)

VIDEO:

Throughout the course of this saga we have received numerous emails. One in particular stuck out to us that we received this morning. This email is from a woman who left a comment on “Mr. BB Spanker’s” blog yesterday evening. She left the comment anonymously to protect her identity. After leaving the comment, she realized that this absolutely ridiculous individual has taken her comment, twisted her words, and republished it with his own words. This is, yet, another lie by “Mr. BB Spanker.”

Below is yet more proof of “Mr. BB Spanker’s” lies not only about us, but the entire community.

The first two screenshots are of the email this person sent us. We responded to her email asking if we could screenshot her email for our blog, and she responded with yes, but she requested we protect her identity. To honor her request, we have blacked out her last name, and a portion of her email address.  It is broken into 2 screenshots to include the whole email, and reduce file size.

Click on any screenshot to enlarge it, and read it more clearly (if necessary).

And, here is the screenshot of the comment that “Mr. BB Spanker” wrote himself, using her comment but severely twisting the words.

Our goal since the beginning of writing this post was to present the truth, the facts, and the proof to this community. What you will read below, and what you see above, is full of screenshots, facts, and evidence that this individual has a very twisted agenda backed with lies, manipulations, and more. It is evident that he changes, re-words, and writes comments on his blog to make himself appear better. It’s also evident that he plagiarizes blog content, and highly distorts a very large number of both content and comments on his blog.  If he is willing to lie and severely change comments on his blog, what else has he done? This completely discredits his entire site, and this was a highly unintelligent move on his part.

The woman who sent us that email has no reason to lie. Furthermore, this is an individual that we have had NO contact with in the past aside from a welcome message to our forum. This woman clearly has not taken sides, from the beginning, and yet has been completely taken advantage of by “Mr. BB Spanker” who now not only owes us an apology, but this woman (and MANY others in the community) one as well.

We would love for “Mr. BB Spanker’s” lying to end. But we fully understand that with this individuals personality type, it will not and that is unfortunate.

In the upcoming days we will resume to our mission for our site which is to help both beginners and experienced couples navigate this often overwhelming and confusing lifestyle. We will return to posting content, and working on the upcoming avenues we have planned for Learning Domestic Discipline. However, this post will continue to be updated. With each lie that is said we will respond. We will not end this until he does as we now firmly believe this has changed from someone with jealousy issues to someone who has problems that run much deeper. We have tried to be nice, supportive, understanding and reach out to “Mr. BB Spanker” but there comes a point where the evidence against him piles up, and we cannot continue to allow this individual to lie to, and about, a community that we deeply care about.  He may be able to bully others out of the community, but his bullying does not intimidate us and therefore will not work.

-Clint and Chelsea

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**UPDATE**

(Updated on February 3rd @ approximately 6:30pm EST U.S. time)

VIDEO:

As we all expected, the person in which this post is about has responded/updated his original post. We fully expected his response to contain more lies, and inaccurate information. However, we don’t think anyone (including us) saw the magnitude of what was coming. As someone who claims to be a leader, pioneer and experienced member of this domestic discipline community, we were shocked that the morals he holds so highly on his site (such as communication, honesty, and respect) turned out to be, yet another, lie.

As the title of this post eludes to, this is yet another unfortunate circumstance. The author of the blog we refer to in our original post below has now taken it upon himself to personally attack us in such a way that is not only completely sickening, but evil.

In his update (on his original post) he begins by rambling on about sentences that not only lead us to believe he completely lacks reading comprehension skills, but also further leads us to question what his true intentions with his blog are. What we find the most ironic is, in his slew of personal insults, self-promotion tactics and lies, he does not ONCE address the proof we have posted below that he has lied to this community.  We will take this as an indirect admission that he did, or was highly involved, in what we have posted below. Instead, he has created new allegations (and lies) in an attempt to deflect the fact that he lied to the community (and is continuing to do so).

To briefly address his two newest allegations:

1. The blog author is claiming that our website receives 20 hits per day. We really aren’t sure whether to laugh or just be annoyed by this absolutely ridiculous statement. As someone who clearly cares a GREAT deal about popularity, self-promotion and traffic numbers, we thought for sure he would know where to search to find accurate information. Ironically, he conveniently removed his site from the inaccurate stat tracker he was using (which is well known to be inaccurate by doing some research including this), so that we (nor anyone else) could call him out on yet another lie. However, what we can do is say this..we have NEVER wanted to make this post, or “war” that this blogger has started, about numbers. We do not have a public hit counter displayed on our website and we do not repeatedly tweet or promote that we are the #1 domestic discipline site. We let the numbers do the talking.

At the time of this writing, my husbands blog (an entity of our site, because our Learning Domestic Discipline.com site is too new) is ranked #1 on Google, the largest search engine in the world, under the term “domestic discipline.” Alexa, the worlds largest (and most popular) website database, uses a number ranking system to rank the popularity of a website based on 2 factors: the average number of visitors per day, and the average number of visitors in a 3 month time-span. Like we said, we REALLY didn’t want to turn this into a “who’s more popular” competition because, to us, it does not matter. But, since we were provoked, and more lies were spread by this individual, here we go..

Below we have a screen shot of Learningdd.com, our new site. The blue box further explains how the traffic rank is calculated:

And now we have a screen shot of the other bloggers Alexa ranking:

We could go on and on with more screen shots, stat counters, bandwidth usages, and more. But, for now, we’ll just let that speak for itself.

The second thing we would like to address is a more major one. This blogger is lying (once again- this seems to be a very common theme) that an incident that he refers to as a “sick and dying incident in November of 2012″ was a fraud for monetary gain. There is not one ounce of truth to this (and, deep down, this blogger knows that).

The incident that he is very incorrectly referring to happened on August 28th, 2012 (not November). It also wasn’t a “sick and dying incident.” My husband and I have purposely refrained from sharing the details of this incident with the general public because we felt it was personal, and because the details were such that we wanted to keep it between our family, and a close group of friends (both inside and outside of the domestic discipline community).

In the summer of 2012 my husband and I found out we were expecting our second child. Anyone who knows us knows that we had desperately wanted a second child and we were over the moon excited. On August 27th, 2012 we went into the doctor for a routine appointment. We had an ultrasound that day (routinely scheduled) and, unfortunately, the baby’s heart had stopped beating.  On August 28th, 2012 I had a D&C. The D&C mixed with a few early pregnancy complications that had occurred prior to the loss of our child prompted my hospital stay to extend 5 (almost 6) days in which time I had 3 surgeries.

It goes without saying that a hospital stay away from your son (that was the first time I had ever left our son), mixed with the incredible hurt and loss of losing your child, mixed with the health complications from the loss of your child, is an extremely trying and difficult time for anyone to go through. It was VERY hard (and still is) on us. Despite the fact that it was the hardest thing we have ever went through, at no point was I dying (physically) and I have no idea where the blog author incorrectly received that information.

Following my hospital stay, my husband wrote two blog entries. One he put on my old blog (Knowing Your Roles) and one he posted on his old blog (LDD). Both entries were written with one intent- to let everyone in the community know that due to the circumstances, we were both going to be taking a short break from Learning Domestic Discipline, and the community. Following that, people had requested a way to help. Many people suggested a donate button on the side of my husbands old blog for 2 reasons: 1 was because they simply wanted to help, and 2 was because it was only a few months before the launch of our website (something that everyone knows is not cheap). We were hesitant to accept any form of donations for any purpose. Against our better judgment, we put a donation button up on our website for 6 days before taking it down and realizing that this may have been one request from the community that we could not give into.

If we would have EVER foreseen that the decision made by my husband to put that up for six days would have turned into a personal attack, an extreme exaggeration of the truth, and very hurtful statements being made, it would have never been done. If our sole motivation was money that donation button would still exist, and we would not invest near as much money and time into this site as we do.

We love this community, despite the fact that we are deeply hurt by this one persons allegations. This has turned from a very sick lie into a very sick personal attack. It has been several months since my health issues, but that does not mean it is not still fresh in my mind. In fact, I still think daily about the fact that had I not lost our baby last week would have been the week we would have found out the gender. This is very real, very raw, and very deep pain that I REALLY don’t appreciate being forced to share with the entire community simply because someone has a sick agenda to lie and manipulate people for the sole purpose of promoting himself and eliminating people he views as a threat to that.

In conclusion, we strongly feel that if this individual stopped dedicating this amount of time to lying, hurting, manipulating and deceiving people and instead focused the same amount of time on his blog (and future endeavors) that he could be really doing something great and, despite everything, we would support him as a member of this community. But there comes a point where enough is enough and, no matter how many amazing updates this individual continues to post to his blog, the proof will always be there, in black and white (which you can read below).

We would also like to thank everyone who has sent us messages in support during this very frustrating and difficult time. We are continually grateful to have a community of wonderful people beside us.

-Clint and Chelsea

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VIDEO:

My wife and I have done everything in our power to avoid having to write this blog post.  For several months now we have discussed this with other people in the community, we’ve thoroughly researched things and discovered concrete proof (which you are about to read), and we’ve ignored this as long as we could. While we still very much want resolve this issue and avoid conflict, we feel we have no choice left at this point.  Unfortunately, with the release of our new book, things have now escalated to the point where we feel we must defend ourselves, our reputation, all of the wonderful people within the domestic discipline community, and most importantly – our family.

We feared the release of our new book would strike the wrong chord with a blogger that has disliked us for quite some time now.  We’ve never wanted to be wrong about something more than we wanted to be wrong about that.  Unfortunately, we were right, and his personal problems with us have now gotten to the point where they’re negatively impacting a domestic discipline community that we care tremendously about.

Our intent with this post is not to cause any problems, drama, or conflict within the domestic discipline community, nor is our intent to point fingers and place blame on any one person or another.  Our intent is to clear up false accusations made indirectly toward/about us with physical proof that they are false (all proof is given later in this post).  It is also our intent to offer our side of the story within this post.

The comments on this post will be deactivated as not encourage further drama.  There are no “sides” here.  We’re one collective domestic discipline community.  Even if some don’t feel the same way we do about that, we will always feel that way with, and amongst, our peers.  We’re writing this post to close this matter, to put it behind us, and to move forward in a constructive way. We have an enormous amount planned for 2013 (and beyond) with Learning Domestic Discipline, and we are ready to put this in the past and move forward with this fantastic community that has stood by us from the start.  It is our hope that our fellow bloggers and the domestic discipline community understand the position we’ve been put in by no choice of our own, and we hope others will reciprocate our sentiment.

For several months now, through several different avenues, my wife and I have been reaching out to a fellow domestic discipline blogger in an effort to resolve the multiple problems that he clearly has with us.  Problems that my wife and I still to this day do not understand (since he refuses to constructively communicate with us), and problems that have risen without any provocation whatsoever. We have NEVER attacked this individual, nor have we done anything beyond reach out to him via Twitter direct message, Twitter mentions, and an email with sole intent to resolve this matter.  Unfortunately our attempts to resolve matters have been ignored.  All we’ve received in return are invites to his groups and indirect personal attacks.

It breaks our hearts to have to write this post, and we’ve been trying so hard to prevent this from happening, but like we said, our private attempts to address this matter have fallen on deaf ears, forcing us to go public, which we did NOT want to do.  We’re hoping to one day resolve these problems with this blogger, but if history is any indication, that is highly unlikely to happen, unfortunately.

The only apparent problem my wife and I can determine this blogger has with us is in regard to our two domestic discipline boot camp books. We cannot confirm that this as a problem of his as he does not communicate directly with us at all, but given the nature of one of his blog posts and hundreds of Twitter tweets, this seems to be his primary problem with us.

To be perfectly clear, any accusations that any of the content within either of our two domestic discipline boot camp books is stolen, plagiarized, or otherwise infringed upon are completely false.  Every word in both of our books were written by either myself, or my wife with the sole exception of the testimonials in the original boot camp book. 

This blogger’s article discusses a 2005 article written by a woman named Jacqueline.  Jacqueline writes about a three-week “training period” of dominance and submission.  Jacqueline, in her own words, described this three-week “training period” as extreme, she admits that she referred to her HoH as “Master” for the duration of this “training period”, and the “training period” described in her essay does not include the most important relationship building component to boot camp, which are the homework assignments.

While there are similarities with the role defining aspects of the two experiences, anyone who reads either one of our books and then compares it to Jacqueline’s essay should be able to clearly see the differences between Jacqueline’s extreme three-week “training period” and the content outlined within either of our two domestic discipline boot camp books.

However, there is a major problem with what this specific blogger has on his blog as “proof” that we directly copied a concept that has been around since 2005.  He wrote portions of it himself in an attempt to make it appear that we copied content for our book.  Below we have several screen shots of his blog entry.  Unfortunately we couldn’t get the entire webpage into one screen shot (the file size was too large) so we broke it up into multiple ones.  To prove that we didn’t leave anything out, you should be able to see the last sentence on screen shot one reappear as the first sentence on screen shot two, and so on and so forth.

The entry begins with him rambling about how amazing his site is. Nothing too exciting or out of character here.

It then continues..

It didn’t take long for the first indirect personal attack on us to occur, as you can see. There is a lot we could say about what is written above, but we think we will opt to take his advice this time and drink some water and calm down before continuing.

Re-posted many times is an exaggeration. In fact, before the above entry was written, the article had only been found here: http://www.takeninhand.com/forum/my.husband.is.not.my.master.or.is.he

How do we know that?  We researched it.  Below we have taken a sentence from the article (“A Beginner’s Guide to Leadership and Submission”) and pasted it (with quotations so that it searches for exact text) into Google.

If it were “re-posted many times”, it would be found other places besides his blog and Taken in Hand.  Taken in Hand, by the way, is where the original article is posted. The original article can be viewed here: http://www.takeninhand.com/forum/my.husband.is.not.my.master.or.is.he 

If you click on “repeat search with the omitted results included” link, you will see it appear on the following 3 other sites (aside from Taken in Hand, as linked above).

1. A blog which has since been removed (when you click the link it says it has been removed)
2. A blog entry that an individual wrote in December 2012 copying/pasting the persons blog we have been referencing in this post.
3. A download site where the article had been uploaded by a friend of the blogger we have been referencing.

So far, so good. Looks like the original.

And the blog author continues to plagiarize the original article. The entire original article can be viewed on the original site (here: http://www.takeninhand.com/forum/my.husband.is.not.my.master.or.is.he) and bares very little similarities to OUR version of domestic discipline boot camp.

Why is all of this a problem?  Well, the article on his blog was going along great up to this point.  He was able to copy/paste the full original article, but then most likely re-read it and noticed that (like us, and everyone else) it really didn’t bare enough resemblance to our boot camp book in order to truly get people to believe him.  So what does one do when that occurs? Well, one is inclined to just make up content, which is precisely what this individual did.  He added onto the original article with what he calls, “footnotes” in an effort to THEN make it look like our book.  The problem is it is not in the original article.  The details, which do bare a LITTLE more similarity (although still not identical by ANY means) to our boot camp book, were completely made up and added in.  The following is proof of that.

Here is the screen shot of the author’s blog who put up the boot camp entry to create drama:

You’ll notice that the original article ends with “if he asked me to, I would become, again, his slave in a heartbeat.” This can be seen in the ORIGINAL article screenshot below.

On the “DD Boot Camp Revealed” blog entry (which is what we have been discussing/screenshotting all along) the “original essay” continues.  Yet on the ACTUAL original essay it ends.  And, ironically, on the “continuation”, the “footnotes” do bare more of a resemblance to our boot camp book (although still not identical, but I guess we could give the blog author some credit for trying).

To further prove our point, take a look at the following screenshot.  Underneath it we have written why we screenshot it, and what it shows.

Above we have taken a line from the supposed “footnotes” section of the supposed “original essay” and put it into Google, using direct quotes, to see where else on the web that text appears.  If you click the omitted results link, it pulls up the sites that we referenced last time we did this (the blog that has been removed since, the blog who copied and pasted the “Boot Camp Revealed” entry from this blogger in December, and then a file sharing site where someone uploaded a copy of the entry and that someone is a well-known close friend of the “Boot Camp revealed” blogger).  So what are we missing here?  The original article.  The Taken in Hand site (once again, linked here: http://www.takeninhand.com/forum/my.husband.is.not.my.master.or.is.he) is where the original article is.  That original article contains a grand total of ZERO of the footnotes, or clear edits, to this essay that supposedly exists everywhere.

So what does all of this clearly show? The “Boot Camp Revealed!” entry is really “An Essay of a Couples BDSM Training Period That I Have Edited Onto and Lied About in an Effort to Create Drama.”  That is what the entry should have been called.

To be fair to this individual, we do not have proof that he, himself, edited the original article in an attempt to ruin our reputation.  It is possible that he received the already-edited/added onto article from someone else and simply over-exaggerated about the amount of research he put into it before placing it up on his site and promoting it daily for several months.  That’s entirely possible.  However, given the history with this individual, we strongly believe that the first option is the more likely of the two.

Regardless, the facts remain.  Someone added onto the original essay, which contains few to zero similarities to our book, and the edits that this mystery person made to the original essay just happened to be edits that were CLEARLY taken from our book, re-worded, twisted around, and promoted as if THAT was the original article.

The bottom line is this: There have been concerns by multiple people about whether or not this individual is even married, even practices domestic discipline, or if he simply uses the term “experience” to define his well known “spanking play sessions” with other individuals.  The proof above shows that the writer of the blog post, “DD Boot Camp Revealed!”, did just that – wrote the blog entry (and plagiarized an article from 2005).  The writer did copy/paste a BDSM “training period” article and then added onto that article, blatantly lying to the domestic discipline community for months (and possibly longer) about its origin and/or true contents.

On a separate note, this blogger constantly tweets and repeatedly states on his site that he’s the “#1 DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE SITE WORLDWIDE!!!” or some variation of that.  This is yet another lie.  The number one spanking blog online is My Bottom Smarts, and the number one blog/website under the domestic discipline platform is Learning Domestic Discipline.  This is proven by Google, statistics/page views, Alexa ratings, etc.  To suggest that his site is #1 in the spanking community is disrespectful to Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts, and to suggest his site is #1 in the domestic discipline platform is disrespectful to us.  To blatantly mislead readers in that fashion shows his only agenda is self-promotion and traffic numbers, not the well-being of his readers.

We deeply care about the domestic discipline community. This can be proven over and over again by the countless hours we dedicate to our website, our forums, our blog, our network, and all other LDD entities.  That alone is over 40 hours a week between the two of us. We have made some absolutely incredible friends since we began Learning Domestic Discipline and we couldn’t be more proud to be a part of this community.

The amount of time, effort, and money we have invested into Learning Domestic Discipline is a large amount, but so is our dedication and devotion to this community.  Yes, we wrote two books.  Hundreds of others (a quick search of the term “domestic discipline” on an eBook site like Lulu pulls up over 700 results) have as well, and not one of those books is available for free.  They ALL carry a price, and the ALL must be purchased to read.  Ours are no different.

We, and many others in the community, understand that this individual struggles with accepting the success of Learning Domestic Discipline and our two boot camp books.  But, as our numerous attempts to reach out have indicated, we wish to put all of that aside and become ONE COMMUNITY.  This community is large enough for everyone.

We wish “Mr. BB Spanker” nothing but success with his upcoming endeavors.  We hope that, at some point, he will choose to move forward and contribute to everyone’s efforts in making this one united community.  We may never receive an apology from him, the community may never receive an apology from him, and we fully anticipate and expect his actions and behavior to continue.  Despite that, we still wish him nothing but the best in everything that he chooses to do.

We will have no further involvement with this drama going forward, UNLESS he continues to lie, and/or continues to personally attack us either directly or indirectly (which would not surprise us at all).  We feel the community deserves the truth, and if his lying persists, we will be forced to continue defending ourselves and this community we care so deeply about.  We have given the proof, we have said our piece, we have defended ourselves, and we cannot and will not dedicate any more time to this unless blatantly provoked.

We have a lot of exciting things in store for Learning Domestic Discipline and we’re so thankful and grateful to have a supportive community of incredible people behind us.  Thank you all for allowing us to share our side of the story.

All the best,

Clint and Chelsea

© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post An Unfortunate Circumstance Surrounding Domestic Discipline Boot Camp (UPDATED 2/5/2013) appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Happy Valentines Day everyone! In honor of Valentines Day and our domestic discipline anniversary (which was last weekend!!) we have put together a list of resources to help you improve your domestic discipline relationship.

COUPLES CHALLENGES

In 2012, we posted one Couples Challenge per month in an effort to help strengthen domestic discipline relationships throughout the community. The Couples Challenges were (and still are) a huge hit with both beginners to the lifestyle, and those who are more experienced. Below we have listed the 12 Couples Challenges, and invite you to check them out.

January: Compliments

February: Addressing Faults

March: Appreciation

April: Spreading the Word

May: The Rules

June: Great Qualities Part I

July: Great Qualities Part II

August: Confessions

September: Planning Improvement

October: Spontaneity

November: Gratitude

December: Charity

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BOOKS

Below are a list of books (both domestic discipline, and non domestic discipline) that we feel may really help you with domestic discipline, being an HoH, being a submissive partner, or with your marriage/relationship in general. Whether you’re new to domestic discipline or have practiced for many years, we hope you find this list helpful.

• Domestic Discipline Boot Camp for Beginners: This is our new eBook that is only available right now on a pre-release until February 28th. You can purchase it by clicking here, and every purchase enters you into our giveaway for a $100 Amazon gift card. 
• Domestic Discipline Boot Camp: This eBook is geared more towards experienced domestic discipline couples. Like the above book, it is available for purchase here and each purchase will also enter you into our Amazon.com giveaway.
• The Love Dare: We are big fans of Alex and Stephen Kendrick’s book The Love Dare. The Love Dare is a 40-day journey to strengthening your relationship and although it does not specifically pertain to domestic discipline, a lot of the 40 day challenges will strengthen your core values which will transition over into domestic discipline. Whether you have been together with your partner for 1 month or 50 years, we highly recommend The Love Dare which you can purchase (or read more about) by clicking here.
• The Excellent Wife: Written by Martha Peace, The Excellent Wife is a scripture based book that focuses on improving your relationships with your husband, your children and God. You can purchase the book here.
• The Surrendered Wife: Like The Excellent Wife, The Surrendered Wife (written by Laura Doyle) explores what it means to be a submissive wife, ways to strengthen your marriage, and teaches/walks through how to give up the unnecessary control (which is important in a domestic discipline relationship). Although there are some parts of the book that we don’t agree with, overall it’s worth reading if you’re starting (or are experienced with) domestic discipline. You can purchase it here.
• Family Shepherds  Calling and Equipping Men to Lead Their Homes: If you’re a Christian this book is great. It focuses on examining why being the head of the household is important, how to lead your family, and how to improve or strengthen your marriage. There’s also quite a bit about parenting, and the Bible, in it so if those both apply to you it’s definitely worth reading. You can purchase it here.

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Websites/Other Resources

Below are a list of websites, articles, and other resources that may help you with your domestic discipline relationship. These are great if you don’t have time to read a full book (like the ones above) or are just looking for a brief overview of certain domestic discipline topics.

• What is Domestic Discipline?
  
• Spanking vs. Abuse
• When the HoH Does Something Wrong
• The Spanking Implements Guide
• The Learning Domestic Discipline Forums
• Domestic Discipline Experience Project groups (Note: you can find others on The Experience Project by searching for domestic discipline in the Experience Project search box)
• Releasing Tears During a Spanking 
• HoH Emotions in Domestic Discipline
• Husbands Getting Started at Taking Charge
• The Learning Domestic Discipline Social Network
• Frequently Asked Domestic Discipline Questions (and you can find many more by clicking here)
• The Art of the Lecture

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If you have any website links, blog links, books, etc. that we missed, feel free to submit them to us! We would love to include them. You may do so by leaving it in the comments below, or by emailing us. 

Happy Valentines Day! We have an enormous amount of appreciation, love and respect for all of our readers. We hope that you have a wonderful Valentines Day!

-Clint & Chelsea

 © 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post Resources to Strengthen Your Domestic Discipline Relationship appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Every Tuesday night is Men’s Night in the LDD Network.  It gives the men in domestic discipline relationships an opportunity to discuss everything from sports to weather to family to work and everything else in between.  And yes, the men also talk about domestic discipline, of course.

The men of the LDD Network support one another, particularly when it comes to their domestic discipline relationships, but they also talk about more broad topics of domestic discipline.  Last Tuesday’s Men’s Night discussion is a perfect example.  So perfect, in fact, that I (Clint) felt compelled to write an entire post about it.

The topic was essentially about being approachable as the head of the household.  We all talked about how important it is that our partners don’t feel intimidated, nervous, threatened, or scared to discuss with us any and all concerns they may have about domestic discipline and/or how it’s being practiced in the relationship.  I don’t like to speak for others, but in this case I feel comfortable saying that everyone in the room agreed that this is a crucial part of a healthy and successful domestic discipline relationship.

The men also understood how difficult this may be for some submissive partners to do.  After all, the HoH is the one “in charge”, and the role of the submissive partner is to follow their lead, defer to their decision making, and not question their authority.  Right?

Hmm.  That’s a really good question.  The overall generic answer to this question is “yes” for most domestic discipline couples, which is consistent with the lifestyle, but how literal is that to be taken?  As with everything else in domestic discipline, the answer to that question will vary from couple to couple, but I do know one thing that’s pretty universal in the domestic discipline lifestyle – it isn’t to be taken so literally that the submissive partner feels as though they have no voice in the relationship, and cannot express their thoughts or opinions to their partner whenever and/or wherever they feel it necessary to do so.

Just because the HoH is the final decision maker doesn’t mean the submissive partner doesn’t have a voice, or that their opinion doesn’t matter.  It’s their relationship too, after all.  If the submissive partner has a great point or an excellent idea, an HoH should absolutely acknowledge it and adjust the final decision accordingly (if necessary).  That isn’t giving up authority in the home, or a putting a dent in the HoH armor, or questioning an HoH’s authority and/or decision making skills – that is working together to do what’s best for the relationship.  That’s doing what’s best for the family.  That’s being a good HoH.

The HoH’s final decision may or may not remain the same after hearing their partner’s input on any given decision, but a submissive partner should always feel as though their thoughts and opinions matter because they do.

This principle remains the same if a submissive partner feels as though something is off, or if they feel uncomfortable at any time, when it comes to how domestic discipline is being practiced in the relationship.  They have consented to living this way with their HoH.  The submissive partner has consented to “submitting” to their HoH.  This is a gift to the HoH, not a right.  The gift of submission is one that can be taken away, and one that should never be abused or taken advantage of by the head of the household.

There’s a fine line when it comes to this, and it’s a difficult one to work with.  Submissive partners reading this may be thinking, “Yes! Clint is finally giving me a reason to tell my HoH how much I hate that stupid silent spanking cream!  In the trash it goes!“, but that isn’t how this works.  Maybe my wife is the only one that would do something like that? (Love you honey! )

In all seriousness, if something is causing the submissive partner concern when it comes to how they’re being punished, or how they’re being spoken to, or how they’re being treated by their HoH, they should absolutely feel comfortable discussing that concern with their HoH.  Growth in a domestic discipline relationship doesn’t come from one partner, it comes from both of them.  An HoH should attentively listen to their partner’s concerns with genuine interest and contrition, and, if necessary, make adjustments to how things are done.

Is it always easy for a submissive partner to approach their HoH about something like this?  No, it isn’t.  But, despite being difficult to do, it should still be done.  It’s important to the health, happiness, and growth of the relationship.  If a submissive partner is scared to discuss domestic discipline with their HoH, then something is clearly wrong.  Professional help may or may not be necessary, but a submissive partner should never fear approaching their HoH regarding anything, not just domestic discipline related topics.

So how does an HoH make themselves more approachable?  Well, the easiest way would be to bring it up first.

“Hey honey, I just want to remind you that if you ever have anything on your mind, whether it be about domestic discipline or otherwise, you can always talk to me at any time about it, alright?  In fact, is there anything you want to talk about right now?  How are you feeling about the domestic discipline aspect of our relationship?“

This opens the door for the submissive partner to express themselves, and this also lets the submissive partner know that their HoH is ready, willing, and able to to listen to them and give them their full attention.  This also indicates that the HoH will be receptive to their partner’s thoughts without feeling  “insulted”, or that their authority is being questioned.  Since the HoH brought it up, they’re indicating that they’re ready to work together on this in a mature and productive way.  This approach takes a lot of pressure off of the submissive partner.

The HoH bringing this up every month or two will ensure a healthy domestic discipline dynamic remains a part of the relationship for years to come.  It takes maybe 10 seconds to say that.  That 10 seconds may drastically improve the domestic discipline aspect of the relationship.

© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post Being Approachable as Head of the Household appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

There are several different types of domestic discipline. While Learning Domestic Discipline primarily focuses on the traditional dynamic (a male HoH and a female submissive partner) there are a variety of other domestic discipline alternatives. One of those is known as The Spencer Plan (or the Spencer Spanking Plan). Personally, we are not advocates of The Spencer Plan since there are no defined roles (among other reasons). However, we felt it was important to present alternative domestic discipline examples because we’re aware that the domestic discipline community is comprised of more than just the “traditional type” of domestic discipline couples.

What is The Spencer Plan?

The Spencer Plan is a method of domestic discipline created by a woman named Dorothy Spencer in the early 1930’s. In fact, some people believe it is the original domestic discipline method and the more traditional method of domestic discipline that we now practice was once derived from The Spencer Plan. Others believe that The Spencer Plan was developed after the traditional method of domestic discipline in an effort to answer one of the most popular questions surrounding the domestic discipline lifestyle – what happens when the HoH makes a mistake or breaks a rule?

The Spencer Plan is a version of domestic discipline that, essentially, has no defined roles. The man and woman are viewed as equal partners who have both chosen to incorporate domestic discipline, but neither one defines themselves as the head of the household, or the submissive partner. Both parties are subjected to the same rules and consequences dealt out by whoever is deemed the head of the household at that time.

This is best illustrated with an example. So, let’s say that a couple (we’ll call them John and Amanda) practice The Spencer Plan method of domestic discipline within their relationship and one of their rules is no going over budget. One day, Amanda goes out shopping with her friends and, without asking John, goes over budget. John then finds out, and he spanks Amanda for the broken rule/misbehavior. In that moment, John is the head of the household, and Amanda is the submissive partner. Sounds like typical domestic discipline, right? Well, let’s say a few weeks later John goes out with his buddies after work and spends a little too much at the bar. He goes over budget. Amanda finds out and she isn’t happy. So, she spanks John for the broken rule. In that situation, Amanda then becomes the head of the household and John then becomes the submissive partner.

The easiest way to sum up The Spencer Plan is by saying that the couple makes one rule list. Both couples are responsible for following that rule list, and failure to do so means that the opposite partner will hand out a consequence of their choosing.

Starting The Spencer Plan

The Spencer Plan is a little more complicated than just simply stating “the couple punishes one another.” The creator of the plan, Dorothy Spencer, put a lot of time and detail into molding the plan to a form that, she believed, worked the best. Like all aspects of domestic discipline, every relationship is different and every aspect of domestic discipline (whether it’s The Spencer Plan, the traditional method, or any other form) should be tailored specifically to the couples needs and wants.

The Spencer Plan starts by recommending that each couple sit down and create a list of “things that will produce discipline.” This could be things that each partner wants the other to improve upon, things that create frequent arguments, or just overall nuances of the relationship that you would like to create into rule form.

Once those are agreed upon, they become rules. Both parties in The Spencer Plan follow the same set of rules. That is one of the things that keeps it equal, and fair.

In what ways does The Spencer Plan differ from traditional domestic discipline?

The most obvious way that The Spencer Plan differs from traditional domestic discipline is that The Spencer Plan involves both parties holding each other accountable (whereas, in traditional domestic discipline, one person is the defined HoH and one person is the defined submissive partner and those roles do not vary).

However, where The Spencer Plan drastically differs from traditional domestic discipline is with the punishments. The Spencer Plan clearly states that “women are to be spanked, and men are to be whipped.” Essentially that means under The Spencer Plan, the women can only be spanked with the palm of their partner’s hand. No implements are permitted to spank women. However, for men, it is the opposite. Men must only be spanked with implements (such as a strap, wooden paddle, or ruler).

Another difference is that the guilty person within a Spencer Plan relationship must always ask for the punishment. This means that if the head of the household (at that moment) is ready to punish their partner for a broken rule, they must not hand out the punishment until the submissive partner, at the moment, has asked for their punishment. The Spencer Plan believes that this rule helps to establish accountability with the guilty person, as well as helps to provide a consensual discipline situation at all times.

The Spencer Plan also states that no more than two spankings or whippings may be given in one day. With traditional domestic discipline it is not recommended that you punish more than two times a day either, but with The Spencer Plan you must “cap off” the punishments for either party at two per day.

Aftercare in The Spencer Plan is also handled differently. With The Spencer Plan, it is said that after the woman is punished she should be given a brief hug, then left alone to calm down and collect herself. She must then go to her partner, apologize, and at that point the comforting afterward begins. When a man is spanked (or, whipped as the plan refers to it as) there are no specific instructions as to how aftercare should be given with The Spencer Plan.

In spanking situations, The Spencer Plan rules state that the women must only be spanked on their bare bottom. However, men can be whipped either on their bare bottoms or over clothing. It is up to the woman, at that point, to determine how her partner will be whipped for that rule.

In what ways is The Spencer Plan similar to traditional domestic discipline?

The Spencer Plan and traditional domestic discipline may actually be alike in more ways than the average person may realize. Although they both differ greatly on many core aspects, the overall belief of  having a consequence, rules, and rewards structure helping to guide the relationship remains the same.

One core similarity between the two is that both domestic discipline relationship dynamics must be consensual with both parties involved. Domestic discipline, in any form, will not work without consent of both people.

Another similarity is that The Spencer plan, like traditional domestic discipline, does not advocate spanking in anger. Punishing while the head of the household is angry can lead towards a multitude of problems such as the submissive partner becoming resentful, the head of the household conducting the spanking much harsher than deserved, and more. So, this is advised against with both The Spencer Plan, and traditional domestic discipline.

Once a punishment is over, with both The Spencer Plan and traditional domestic discipline, that issue is to be closed, put in the past, and both parties should move on. The Spencer Plan does not believe in harboring feelings, or not wiping the slate clean, after a punishment and neither does traditional domestic discipline.

Overall Thoughts

The Spencer Plan places a strong emphasis on consensually living this lifestyle, and equality within it. While that is, to an extent, true with traditional domestic discipline, The Spencer Plan takes both aspects a step further (with methods such as ensuring equal rules are in place, or ensuring that the partner who is about to be punished ask for, and admit to earning, their punishment beforehand).

Like traditional domestic discipline, those who live The Spencer Plan lifestyle advocate that it is the best, most peaceful way, to conduct your relationship. Those who live The Spencer Plan lifestyle often times started out practicing domestic discipline, but have changed over to The Spencer Plan after the question of “well what if the husband breaks a rule?” had come up too frequently.

Overall, The Spencer Plan is an alternative for those looking for domestic discipline in a more equal form. The Spencer Plan, like other aspects of domestic discipline, is not for everyone, and it does have pros and cons. But, if executed properly, it can help a couple to achieve both a domestic discipline lifestyle, and one that ensures fairness for both parties.

You can find out more about The Spencer Plan by checking out the following resources:

• The Spencer Spanking Plan Official Site (warning: there is nudity on that site)
• Spanking Classics: The Spencer Spanking Plan (an old forum discussion thread discussing The Spencer Plan)
• The Spencer Spanking Plan Article

 © 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post Alternative Domestic Discipline Dynamics: The Spencer Plan appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Long time readers of Learning Domestic Discipline know that we’re not ones to shy away from controversial domestic discipline topics.  This entry certainly touches on one, but it’s something that we feel is important to acknowledge/discuss since it can and does happen from time to time to some domestic discipline couples.  The topic this post is centered around is markings/bruises that may result from a discipline spanking.

Anytime there is physical discipline involved between two adults, there is always a risk of visible physical “damage” to the one being punished.  We’re not talking about redness on the buttocks from a spanking either – that’s to be expected.  We’re talking about raised bumps/welts, or bruising that resulted from a spanking.

An HoH in a domestic discipline relationship should always work to avoid marks/bruising, and take all necessary precautions to prevent them from happening.  There are a number of things an HoH can do to give the spanking process optimal circumstances to prevent marks/bruising, and they are as follows:

• An HoH must always get themselves calm before spanking, and never spank when angry.
• An HoH can (and should) conduct warm up spankings in discipline spanking situations, particularly if the spanking is going to be rather intense.
• If the submissive partner bruises easily, the HoH can (and should) use light implements (such as a wooden spoon).
• Thin spanking implements, such as a cane or a switch, should only be used in moderation and only for the most serious of offenses.

All of these things can (and do) aid in preventing any kind of marking/bruising.  Whenever possible, an HoH should always use these techniques/recommendations when spanking to give themselves the best chance at preventing marks/bruises from happening.

What if marks/bruises DO happen despite taking these precautions?

  If marking/bruising occurs after a spanking, then something within the spanking itself was done incorrectly, or went wrong (unless bruising is a result of a medical condition such as anemia).  It could be any number of things, but some common reasons marking/bruising results from a spanking are that the spanking was done too hard (usually a result of the HoH being angry when spanking), a dense implement (such as a wooden paddle) was used excessively, a thin implement (cane, switch, etc.) was used excessively, no warm up spanking was conducted, and/or the spanking was conducted over clothing and therefore did not afford the HoH the luxury of seeing the results of the strikes (which lead to an inadvertent excessive spanking). 

  Bruising can also result from the submissive partner’s failure to hold still, causing the HoH to strike an area of the body without much muscle tissue to absorb the strike (like the hip bone, for instance), but that’s rare.

  The bottom line, assuming a medical condition like anemia is not related to the bruising,  is that if marking/bruising resulted from the spanking, then something went wrong during the spanking and it’s the HoH’s “job” to determine what what went wrong and correct the problem quickly, and to the best of their ability.

  Make no mistake about it, marks/bruises from a spanking are not the ultimate goal of the punishment.  It’s not something we at Learning Domestic Discipline support or condone for what we hope to be obvious reasons.  But, we also recognize and understand that bruising/marking may unintentionally happen at some point in a couple’s domestic discipline practices.

  If a mark/bruise is left on the submissive partner, how should a couple handle it?

  We’ll answer this question under the assumption that the marks/bruises were unintentionally left on the submissive partner.  If they were intentionally done, then the couple should stop domestic discipline immediately and look into getting professional help, be it anger management/counseling or otherwise. 

  The first thing that needs to happen is a sincere apology from the HoH to the submissive partner.  This really goes without saying and will likely be a natural reaction anyway, but it’s still important that we include this within the answer to this question.  Again, any marks/bruises left on the submissive partner are not the goal, and the HoH needs to acknowledge their incorrect execution of the spanking and take full responsibility for it. 

  As a general recommendation, we advise against any rubbing of the buttocks immediately after a spanking.  However, if marks/bruises result from the spanking, we feel this would be an exception to that recommendation.  Light and gentle rubbing of the buttocks will help subdue the pain of the marks/bruises, and will show an elevated level of care, affection, and love from the HoH.  Rubbing from the HoH will also provide an additional sign that the HoH acknowledges and understands that they incorrectly, and likely unintentionally, left marks/bruises on their partner.

  For treatment of the bruises, arnica gel or an aloe based lotion can help speed up the healing process, as can hot and cold compresses.  However, we are not doctors nor do we play them on TV, so for advice/recommendations on treatment of marks/bruises we’ll defer to Tom, a board certified Cardiothoracic Surgeon, who we interviewed in August of 2012.  Tom gives lengthy medical answers to questions about bruising in part I of his interview (found here), but in summary Tom suggests a couple simply allow bruises to heal on their own.  To read over Tom’s more detailed responses regarding bruising, please click on that interview link (questions 5 and 6 of the interview address bruising).

  If any marks/bruises do occur after a spanking, it’s not something that should be taken lightly, of course.  Bruising/marks are very serious and should always be treated as such.  With that said however, it’s not uncommon for couples just starting out with the domestic discipline lifestyle to have an instance or two where bruising does result from a spanking.  A beginner couple is learning as they go, and a spanking or two may result in some light bruising in the process.  We won’t go as far as saying it can be expected, but it’s not uncommon.  It shouldn’t happen, but if it does, it isn’t the end of the world.  It takes time to master the “correct” way in which to spank, and with experience will come correct execution of a spanking.

  If domestic discipline is something a couple truly wants in their relationship, a rare bruising/marking issue shouldn’t discourage them from continuing on with living the lifestyle.  It’s something that is very easily corrected, and it’s something a couple can work through if they support one another and work together in ensuring that it does not happen again in the future. 

The post Preventing and Handling Bruises/Marks From a Spanking appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Since the launch of Learning Domestic Discipline back in 2011 we have over 250 articles on a variety of domestic discipline topics. However, one of the popular topics that we haven’t discussed much (until now!) is the topic of domestic discipline while pregnant. This is a topic that we get asked about a lot, but for one reason or another, haven’t included it as part of our blog until now.

If you missed our big personal announcement last Friday, we are super excited to share with you all that we are expecting our second child! So, while a large majority of the domestic discipline community (or, those thinking about beginning domestic discipline) may find this post helpful, it also hits home personally for us.

First, let us say that this post (like all posts on our blog) is simply a recommendation, and these are just our thoughts, opinions, and suggestions as to how to practice domestic discipline while pregnant. We strongly encourage each couple to make the best decisions for their relationship and, should they choose to, use the advice below as a template to help guide them in their decision process. The below opinions, thoughts, and advice is not meant to substitute for any doctor opinion when it comes to the topic of domestic discipline while pregnant. We understand this is a controversial topic, and we are presenting it here because we think it will help a lot of people who are in this, or will be in this, situation. With that being said, below are our thoughts.

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We’ve said it before on our blog, but we’ll say it again — domestic discipline is a lifelong commitment. It is not something that can easily be turned off/on. So, with that being said, when a couple first chooses to adopt the domestic discipline lifestyle into their marriage, they may start to ask themselves how it will work with their future life plans. If one partner is military, how will domestic discipline work when that partner is deployed? If moving is in the plans for the future, how will domestic discipline work in the midst of all the chaos? What about living with family, or a roommate? What about domestic discipline with children around — how do we make that work? Or, before we even get to having children around, what about domestic discipline when the woman is pregnant?

Practicing domestic discipline while pregnant is much more difficult than domestic discipline under normal circumstances. However, it can be done and we recommend couples do not stop the domestic discipline lifestyle when a couple becomes pregnant (but we do recommend they make several modifications).

We don’t recommend stopping the lifestyle all together for several reasons:

• It can be hard to start back up when the couple is ready. Several couples who have started/stopped the lifestyle over the years find that it’s really difficult to “pick back up where they left off” without some form of challenges whether that be consistency, starting over with the rules, etc.
• If the submissive partner knows that the rules/consequences aren’t there anymore, it can be frustrating for the HOH to watch them slip back into old behaviors that, at one point, may have caused them to begin domestic discipline in the first place.
• It can add conflict and stress to the relationship.

and many more.

Note: The above list is solely focusing on why we do not recommend stopping/starting the lifestyle during pregnancy only. Obviously, in other circumstances such as one partner not feeling like domestic discipline is working for them anymore, etc., we recommend couples explore the idea of stopping domestic discipline if they feel it isn’t helping or enhancing their relationship.

However, as we stated above, we strongly recommend that several modifications be made to the lifestyle throughout the pregnancy. The below list of modifications is made based upon the assumption that the submissive partner is the female in the relationship who is pregnant. If the couple practices an FLR (female-led relationship) style of domestic discipline, then the below modifications wouldn’t necessarily apply to them.

1. Remove spanking as a consequence. (More about this below)
2. We recommend that the HOH be more lenient on the submissive partner than usual. Make a mental list of offenses that you absolutely can’t tolerate, whether she is pregnant or not (such as safety related offenses) and then another list of rules that you had in your relationship prior to the pregnancy that you can set aside, or not be as strict with, during the pregnancy.
3. Domestic discipline should never be the focus of your relationship. It’s meant to be a relationship tool that helps your relationship. So, it’s important (especially during pregnancy) to not stress about domestic discipline or how this is all going to fit together. Focus on your baby, your health, etc. and let domestic discipline only come up when it’s needed (i.e.- when a rule is broken).

Spanking During Pregnancy

For most domestic discipline couples (but not all), spanking is a consequence that they implement into their relationship. The topic of spanking during pregnancy has became very controversial over the years. Some will say that they spanked throughout their whole pregnancy and everything was fine. Others have even asked their doctor who indicated it was fine as well. But, then there are some who are not comfortable with it, or say they, too, have asked their doctor or researched it online and have found it is not a safe option. So, like most things in pregnancy, the questions of “is it safe?” and “should we do it?” naturally arise quite frequently.

We don’t recommend spanking, or doing any physical punishments, while pregnant. While it might be true that it is safe for both the expectant mother, and the baby, to us it is not worth taking that risk. We don’t recommend doing anything (while pregnant, or not pregnant) that could have a safety risk, such as this, even remotely close to being associated with it. Aside from the safety aspect, it can also be pretty uncomfortable for the submissive partner which is not the point of domestic discipline.

In place of spanking, we recommend alternate punishments be used when severe rules are broken. Obviously these punishments may not have the same severity level as a spanking would, so we recommend that the HOH take that into consideration. Some examples of alternate punishments are:

• Removing Privileges/Grounding
• Corner Time
• Bedroom Time
• Writing Lines
• Apology Letters/Journal Entries

If a couple does choose to use spanking while pregnant, that’s their choice and we respect that. The above are just our recommendations and viewpoints on the subject. However, if a couple does choose to spank while pregnant we recommend the following tips as to avoid the potential risks that spanking while pregnant can cause:

• Use less dense implements (or, no implements at all) such as a wooden spoon, tilt wand, light hairbrush, spatula, etc. and avoid the use of denser objects such as a paddle.
• Be cautious of the position that you choose to spank in, and make sure that there is not too much pressure placed on the submissive partner’s stomach.
• Avoid spanking late in the third trimester (or, choose to avoid severe spankings late in the third trimester) as it can cause the submissive partner’s blood pressure to rise, which can trigger labor.

  Once again, these are just our opinions and recommendations on domestic discipline while pregnant. We encourage each couple to evaluate their own situation and do what’s best for them, and their relationship.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic as well.  Feel free to contact us by clicking here, or leave a comment below.

Have a great week, everyone!

The post Domestic Discipline While Pregnant appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Living the domestic discipline lifestyle takes commitment and a lot of hard work from both partners to ensure its long-term success.  That’s no secret.  So many things go into living the lifestyle the way it’s meant to be lived, and the way it must operate to achieve great results.  Domestic discipline isn’t just about following rules and enforcing rules, nor is it all about creating a punishment and rewards system in order to create stability in the relationship.  Sure, those components are a big part of what it means to live this way, but there’s so much more to it than that.

We’ve spent a lot of time on this website talking about the importance of communication in this lifestyle.  We’ve talked about creating rules together, approaching your partner about various domestic discipline related issues, compromising, working together to achieve common goals, and many other things — all of which require communication.  We’ve talked about trust and respect, love and intimacy, honesty and support, leadership and submission, as well as a number of other relationship components that living the domestic discipline lifestyle both requires, and enhances.

What we haven’t spent a lot of time talking about, however, is how important it is for both partners to be on the same page.  Not just with the overall goals of the relationship or why domestic discipline is a part of the relationship, but with everything that living the lifestyle entails.  What’s important to the head of the household needs to be equally important to the submissive partner, and vice versa.  Things need to matter to one partner just as much as they do to the other partner.  When they don’t, it’s difficult to see any real progress from living the lifestyle, particularly when it comes to behavior correction.  Things may improve, but they don’t necessarily get corrected.

To illustrate what we’re talking about, we’ll zero in on one major component of living the lifestyle — the rules.  Clearly the rules are a vital part of building a healthy domestic discipline foundation in a relationship.  The rules are the “heart” of domestic discipline since they are essentially what the entire dynamic is built upon, and operates on.

Rules are talked about and agreed upon prior to beginning domestic discipline (we recommend that, anyway).  Both partners work together in making a sound rules list based on how they both want their relationship to operate going forward, and based on what they both envision for their future together.  The point we’re getting at here is that specific rules need to carry the same importance in the minds of both partners in order to achieve ultimate success in the lifestyle.  They need to carry the same importance to both partners to achieve correction.  If a specific rule doesn’t mean as much to one partner as it does to the other, it’s going to take quite some time to “get on the same page” with it, and ultimately correct the issue when it comes to what is expected in accordance with the rules.

Let’s say a couple has a rule about tardiness.  They both want to be on time to whatever future events they commit themselves to.  They both discussed and agreed to this rule ahead of time, and both feel it will benefit everyone when enforced and followed.  The head of the household feels that being on time to everything is extremely important as it shows ambition, commitment, and honor.  The HoH also feels this rule is important to follow/enforce, as it has the potential to negatively impact other peoples’ lives if it isn’t. 

For example, if a couple is 15 minutes late to a dinner with friends, now their friends’ lives are impacted in addition to their own lives.  Maybe their friends have somewhere to be after dinner, and now they’re going to be late to that engagement because you both, as a couple, were late to dinner.  Tardiness has a domino effect, and the HoH does not want to impact other lives that way.  So, for these reasons, the HoH feels punctuality is extremely important.

  The submissive partner sees and understands the importance of this rule, but doesn’t feel the importance of the rule on the same level the HoH does.  So, when getting ready for a dinner out with friends, there isn’t the same sense of urgency in the submissive partner when it comes to getting out the door on time.  It isn’t as important to the submissive partner to be so punctual with every little thing.  The couple ends up running late, the HoH is then upset, they speed on the road to make up time (which could lead to even more issues like a ticket or an accident), and their friends are waiting at the restaurant, by themselves, wondering where their dinner mates are.  

  The point of this example is to illustrate the importance of being on the same page when it comes to the rule.  Sure, the HoH may punish for it at some point, but the importance of the rule isn’t equal between partners, thus triggering the problem in the first place.  Had the submissive partner felt the same sense of urgency to be punctual as the HoH did, the submissive partner would have, more than likely, made the necessary adjustments throughout the day to ensure the couple left on time.  But, since punctuality simply wasn’t as important to the submissive partner, no adjustments were made, and the couple ended up being late to dinner.

  In this scenario, the HoH can punish and punish and punish for this, but will it every really get corrected if the submissive partner doesn’t feel the same importance and urgency to be punctual as the HoH does? Punctuality may improve as a result of the punishments, which is certainly helpful, but it’s doubtful the tardiness would ever get completely corrected.

The moral of the story is this — specific rules need to carry the same importance in the minds of both partners to make any real long-term progress in domestic discipline. 

  It probably feels like we’re picking on the submissive partner, but everything said to this point holds true for the HoH as well.  In fact, if a couple experiences any problems with this type of situation, the root of said problem can almost always be traced back to the head of the household.  Why is that?  Well, because the submissive partner is influenced by the enforcement of any given rule, and influenced by how consistently that rule is enforced. 

Who’s responsibility is that?  It’s the HoH’s responsibility.

  If being punctual is extremely important to the HoH, the HoH needs to send that message loud and clear to the submissive partner by consistently holding them accountable for any and all tardiness.  The submissive partner’s importance level of any given rule will rise (or fall for that matter) to the level the HoH enforces it at.  It’s as simple as that.  Then, once both partners are at the same level of importance to be punctual, the submissive partner will feel the same urgency that the HoH feels to be on time, and the likelihood of the HoH having to punish for tardiness becomes virtually non-existent at that point.

So, as the title of this article suggests, it takes both partners being on the same page in all areas of domestic discipline (not just the rules) for the lifestyle to yield all the benefits it’s designed to.  Without that, punishments will be more frequent, it will take months and months and months to correct an issue for good (if ever at all), and frustration and doubt will creep into the minds of both partners.  When that happens, the domestic discipline structure in the relationship that you both worked so hard to create will begin to crumble.  It’s all downhill from there.

  Being on the same page doesn’t have to be so challenging.  All it takes is communication and commitment from both partners, and consistency from the head of the household.  When a couple is on the same page in domestic discipline, things run so much more smoothly, and both the home and relationship become so much more peaceful.

© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post It Takes Two to Make Domestic Discipline Work appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

  You may have been expecting a “Saturday Stories” article today as part of the new LDD posting schedule, however we interrupt your regularly scheduled article for an exciting announcement:

THE LDD SPRING PROMOS ARE HERE!!

  That’s right – the LDD Spring Promos have launched, and they offer not one but TWO exciting new products!!

Consistently Inconsistent

Consistently Inconsistent is a brand new eBook from us, Clint and Chelsea, offered exclusively through the Learning Domestic Discipline promotion website.  ***UPDATE*** – This book is now available through the LDD Products site!

DESCRIPTION: Being consistent with domestic discipline can be a challenge for a lot of couples, particularly when first starting out with the lifestyle.  It seems every domestic discipline couple struggles with consistency at one point or another, and, naturally, it can be extremely frustrating to deal with and overcome.  In our new Consistently Inconsistent eBook, we examine and break down the most common reasons inconsistency occurs and offer solutions to resolving an inconsistency problem once and for all.  It’s time to take a stand against the most devastating domestic discipline problem that couples face.  It’s time to take a stand against inconsistency and rid your domestic discipline relationship of it forever!

The LDD Beginner Boot Camp Workbook

The LDD Beginner Boot Camp Workbook is the companion to the brand new “Domestic Discipline Boot Camp For Beginners” eBook written by us, Clint and Chelsea, offered exclusively through the Learning Domestic Discipline website. 

DESCRIPTION: Outlined within the new beginner boot camp eBook is a comprehensive list of 25 relationship building exercises designed to promote and enhance important relationship components such as communication, trust, and appreciation (among others).  From this comprehensive list, couples choose a number of exercises to incorporate into their own personal boot camp experience.  This workbook provides sample templates and numerous helpful examples to help spring those homework assignments into action.  Everything a couple needs to complete the boot camp homework assignments is found right here in this workbook!

TAKE ME TO THE PRODUCTS!!!

The Spring Promotions also offer the following eBooks at special discounted prices…

Domestic Discipline Boot Camp For Beginners

DESCRIPTION: Domestic Discipline Boot Camp for Beginners is tailored for couples either just beginning the domestic discipline lifestyle, or those in the early stages of their domestic discipline journey together. The beginner boot camp eBook includes seven exercises that cover all basic punishments within the lifestyle, and it includes a comprehensive list of 25 “homework assignments” for couples to choose from that are designed to promote communication, trust, love, respect, and affection between partners. Two days and a loving commitment are all that are needed to establish a healthy domestic discipline plan for your relationship. Are you ready to get started on the path to a healthy domestic discipline relationship?

A How-To Guide to Domestic Discipline Boot Camp

DESCRIPTION: A How-To Guide to Domestic Discipline Boot Camp outlines an intense and challenging 2-5 day relationship experience tailored to more experienced couples in the domestic discipline lifestyle. The “no tolerance” policy within boot camp targets and establishes a healthy domestic discipline power dynamic, and addresses common domestic discipline issues such as inconsistency in the head of the household and repeat defiance from the submissive partner. Four spanking exercises per day of boot camp address and correct common spanking problems, and four “homework assignments” per day of boot camp promote and nourish existing relationship components such as communication, respect, love, and trust. The boot camp experience may be a challenge, but establishing a safe, healthy, and effective domestic discipline dynamic will ensure your relationship remains stable, secure, and happy for many years to come.

TAKE ME TO THE PRODUCTS!!!

© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post Two New Domestic Discipline Products Available Through The Spring Promos!! appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.