2014 is finally here! It’s hard to believe how quickly 2013 flew by, but we’re looking forward to a great year and we hope you’re as excited as we are about all the new changes to Learning Domestic Discipline that you can see both now, and as the year...
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Our brand new eBook, Transforming Your Relationship: A Comprehensive Look Into the Domestic Discipline Lifestyle, is NOW AVAILABLE for purchase through the Learning Domestic Discipline Products Site! Product Description: Transforming Your Relationship: A Comprehensive Look Into the Domestic Discipline Lifestyle is tailor made for those interested in learning more...
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The domestic discipline lifestyle has many misconceptions with one of the biggest being that it is a “spanking relationship” or that it is largely focused on spanking. While this is untrue, it is true that some domestic discipline relationships do include spanking. A question that is often asked by those who don’t...
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The question of “why would a person even want domestic discipline?” has been asked many times, both by people who don’t understand domestic discipline, are against it, or who were just approached with the idea from their spouse and cannot fathom why they would ever ask for such a thing....
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Learning Domestic Discipline is pleased and proud to present the latest addition to its free download series - the Domestic Discipline Boot Camp Podcast! Here’s some information on the latest addition to the free podcast series: We (Clint and Chelsea) discuss Beginner Boot Camp, what the goals of it are,...
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A couple of days ago, we answered a question in the latest Mailbag Monday post that asked us if we thought about writing a blog post on a concept in domestic discipline known as non-consensual consent. It’s amazing that in over three years we haven’t written a post on non-consensual...
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Domestic discipline relationships can fall off track, or become off balance, for a number of different reasons. Life events (having a baby, moving, family stresses, job changes just to name a few) are often the biggest reason, but other reasons can include inconsistency for extended periods of time or distance...
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The post 5 Tips to Get Your Domestic Discipline Relationship Back on Track appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.
One thing domestic discipline couples often talk about is this lifestyle eliminating the “power struggle” in a relationship. When the dynamic of domestic discipline is functioning correctly in a relationship, that’s precisely what it does — it eliminates the “power struggle.” The head of the household is the one...
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The post The Domestic Discipline “Power Struggle” Is Real appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.
Let’s face it – domestic discipline can be overwhelming. On the surface it may seem simple, but the further you dive into the more you realize that there is more information to know than you originally thought. We receive quite a few questions from readers that have to do deal with...
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The post When Your Partner Won’t Read About Domestic Discipline appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.
On Saturday, Chelsea wrote about five different types of submissive partners in her Submissive Saturday series. At the end of her post, she mentioned how she was going to discuss the types of HoHs in her next Submissive Saturday post, but we’ve decided to bump that article up to today. We felt...
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You may have been expecting a “Saturday Stories” article today as part of the new LDD posting schedule, however we interrupt your regularly scheduled article for an exciting announcement:
Consistently Inconsistent is a brand new eBook from us, Clint and Chelsea, offered exclusively through the LDD Products site!
DESCRIPTION: Being consistent with domestic discipline can be a challenge for a lot of couples, particularly when first starting out with the lifestyle. It seems every domestic discipline couple struggles with consistency at one point or another, and, naturally, it can be extremely frustrating to deal with and overcome. In our new Consistently Inconsistent eBook, we examine and break down the most common reasons inconsistency occurs and offer solutions to resolving an inconsistency problem once and for all. It’s time to take a stand against the most devastating domestic discipline problem that couples face. It’s time to take a stand against inconsistency and rid your domestic discipline relationship of it forever!
The LDD Beginner Boot Camp Workbook is the companion to the brand new “Domestic Discipline Boot Camp For Beginners” eBook written by us, Clint and Chelsea, offered exclusively through the Learning Domestic Discipline website.
DESCRIPTION: Outlined within the new beginner boot camp eBook is a comprehensive list of 25 relationship building exercises designed to promote and enhance important relationship components such as communication, trust, and appreciation (among others). From this comprehensive list, couples choose a number of exercises to incorporate into their own personal boot camp experience. This workbook provides sample templates and numerous helpful examples to help spring those homework assignments into action. Everything a couple needs to complete the boot camp homework assignments is found right here in this workbook!
DESCRIPTION: Domestic Discipline Boot Camp for Beginners is tailored for couples either just beginning the domestic discipline lifestyle, or those in the early stages of their domestic discipline journey together. The beginner boot camp eBook includes seven exercises that cover all basic punishments within the lifestyle, and it includes a comprehensive list of 25 “homework assignments” for couples to choose from that are designed to promote communication, trust, love, respect, and affection between partners. Two days and a loving commitment are all that are needed to establish a healthy domestic discipline plan for your relationship. Are you ready to get started on the path to a healthy domestic discipline relationship?
DESCRIPTION: A How-To Guide to Domestic Discipline Boot Camp outlines an intense and challenging 2-5 day relationship experience tailored to more experienced couples in the domestic discipline lifestyle. The “no tolerance” policy within boot camp targets and establishes a healthy domestic discipline power dynamic, and addresses common domestic discipline issues such as inconsistency in the head of the household and repeat defiance from the submissive partner. Four spanking exercises per day of boot camp address and correct common spanking problems, and four “homework assignments” per day of boot camp promote and nourish existing relationship components such as communication, respect, love, and trust. The boot camp experience may be a challenge, but establishing a safe, healthy, and effective domestic discipline dynamic will ensure your relationship remains stable, secure, and happy for many years to come.
© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline
The post Two New Domestic Discipline Products Available Through The Spring Promos!! appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.
Long time readers of Learning Domestic Discipline know that we’re not ones to shy away from controversial domestic discipline topics. This entry certainly touches on one, but it’s something that we feel is important to acknowledge/discuss since it can and does happen from time to time to some domestic discipline couples. The topic this post is centered around is markings/bruises that may result from a discipline spanking.
Anytime there is physical discipline involved between two consenting adults, there is always a risk of visible physical “damage” to the one being punished. We’re not talking about redness on the buttocks from a spanking either – that’s to be expected. We’re talking about raised bumps/welts, or bruising that resulted from a spanking.
An HoH in a domestic discipline relationship should always work to avoid marks/bruising, and take all necessary precautions to prevent them from happening. There are a number of things an HoH, whether male or female, can do to give the spanking process optimal circumstances to prevent marks/bruising, and they are as follows:
All of these things can (and do) aid in preventing any kind of marking/bruising. Whenever possible, an HoH should always use these techniques/recommendations when spanking to give themselves the best chance at preventing marks/bruises from happening.
What if marks/bruises DO happen despite taking these precautions?
If marking/bruising occurs after a spanking, then something within the spanking itself was done incorrectly, or went wrong (unless bruising is a result of a medical condition such as anemia). It could be any number of things, but some common reasons marking/bruising results from a spanking are that the spanking was done too hard (usually a result of the HoH being angry when spanking), a dense implement (such as a wooden paddle) was used excessively, a thin implement (cane, switch, etc.) was used excessively, no warm up spanking was conducted, and/or the spanking was conducted over clothing and therefore did not afford the HoH the luxury of seeing the results of the strikes (which lead to an inadvertent excessive spanking).
Bruising can also result from the submissive partner’s failure to hold still, causing the HoH to strike an area of the body without much muscle tissue to absorb the strike (like the hip bone, for instance), but that’s rare.
The bottom line, assuming a medical condition like anemia is not related to the bruising, is that if marking/bruising resulted from the spanking, then something went wrong during the spanking and it’s the HoH’s “job” to determine what what went wrong and correct the problem quickly, and to the best of their ability.
Make no mistake about it, marks/bruises from a spanking are not the ultimate goal of the punishment. It’s not something we at Learning Domestic Discipline support or condone for what we hope to be obvious reasons. But, we also recognize and understand that bruising/marking may unintentionally happen at some point in a couple’s domestic discipline practices.
If a mark/bruise is left on the submissive partner, how should a couple handle it?
We’ll answer this question under the assumption that the marks/bruises were unintentionally left on the submissive partner. If they were intentionally done, then the couple should stop domestic discipline immediately and look into getting professional help, be it anger management/counseling or otherwise.
The first thing that needs to happen is a sincere apology from the HoH to the submissive partner. This really goes without saying and will likely be a natural reaction anyway, but it’s still important that we include this within the answer to this question. Again, any marks/bruises left on the submissive partner are not the goal, and the HoH needs to acknowledge their incorrect execution of the spanking and take full responsibility for it.
As a general recommendation, we advise against any rubbing of the buttocks immediately after a spanking. However, if marks/bruises result from the spanking, we feel this would be an exception to that recommendation. Light and gentle rubbing of the buttocks will help subdue the pain of the marks/bruises, and will show an elevated level of care, affection, and love from the HoH. Rubbing from the HoH will also provide an additional sign that the HoH acknowledges and understands that they incorrectly, and likely unintentionally, left marks/bruises on their partner.
For treatment of the bruises, arnica gel or an aloe based lotion can help speed up the healing process, as can hot and cold compresses. However, we are not doctors nor do we play them on TV, so for advice/recommendations on treatment of marks/bruises we’ll defer to Tom, a board certified Cardiothoracic Surgeon, who we interviewed in August of 2012. Tom gives lengthy medical answers to questions about bruising in part I of his interview (found here), but in summary Tom suggests a couple simply allow bruises to heal on their own. To read over Tom’s more detailed responses regarding bruising, please click on that interview link (questions 5 and 6 of the interview address bruising).
If any marks/bruises do occur after a spanking, it’s not something that should be taken lightly, of course. Bruising/marks are very serious and should always be treated as such. With that said however, it’s not uncommon for couples just starting out with the domestic discipline lifestyle to have an instance or two where bruising does result from a spanking. A beginner couple is learning as they go, and a spanking or two may result in some light bruising in the process. We won’t go as far as saying it can be expected, but it’s not uncommon. It shouldn’t happen, but if it does, it isn’t the end of the world. It takes time to master the “correct” way in which to spank, and with experience will come correct execution of a spanking.
If domestic discipline is something a couple truly wants in their relationship, a rare bruising/marking issue shouldn’t discourage them from continuing on with living the lifestyle. It’s something that is very easily corrected, and it’s something a couple can work through if they support one another and work together in ensuring that it does not happen again in the future.
© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline
The post Preventing and Handling Bruises/Marks From a Spanking appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.
Last month we recorded a 45-minute free downloadable podcast on the definition of domestic discipline and the pros and cons to living the lifestyle (among other things). That was our first ever podcast, and before recording additional ones we wanted to see how LDD readers responded to the first one.
We’re pleased to say that the overall response to the first podcast was positive, and readers/listeners really seemed to enjoy the new podcast feature of the website. Given the positive response, we’re excited to announce that we’ve recorded a second podcast, which is now available for free download!
We took all of the wonderful feedback about our first podcast and applied it to the second one in hopes of improving the listening experience. Our second podcast covers the ever-so-important topic of lecturing, and included within it is a real lecture example conducted by the two of us (Clint and Chelsea).
Here’s a little more information about the lecturing podcast:
There are three LDD blog entries referenced in the podcast, and here are the links to them for your convenience:
Also, we’re currently in the process of creating a download site that will include ALL downloads available here at Learning Domestic Discipline in one convenient location. Until then, the downloads will need to be made on each of the individual blog entries. We understand the temporary inconvenience of this, however we are working towards an easier solution. In the meantime, we’ve included the links to all the downloads available on the website below, which hopefully makes things a little easier to find.
The First Domestic Discipline Podcast
The Beginner Packet (over 50 pages long)
Domestic Discipline Contract Examples
Domestic Discipline Punishment Journals
The Spanking Packet (over 85 pages long)
And, of course, the lecturing podcast is available below. Once again, your feedback helps us to improve our podcast recordings, so we encourage you to give us as much feedback as you can! Thank you in advance, and we hope you enjoy the lecturing podcast!
To download the lecturing podcast, please click here.
© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline
The post The Learning Domestic Discipline Lecturing Podcast appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.
Since the launch of Learning Domestic Discipline back in 2011 we have over 250 articles on a variety of domestic discipline topics. However, one of the popular topics that we haven’t discussed much (until now!) is the topic of domestic discipline while pregnant. This is a topic that we get asked about a lot, but for one reason or another, haven’t included it as part of our blog until now.
First, let us say that this post (like all posts on our blog) is simply a recommendation, and these are just our thoughts, opinions, and suggestions as to how to practice domestic discipline while pregnant. We strongly encourage each couple to make the best decisions for their relationship and, should they choose to, use the advice below as a template to help guide them in their decision process. The below opinions, thoughts, and advice is not meant to substitute for any doctor opinion when it comes to the topic of domestic discipline while pregnant. We understand this is a controversial topic, and we are presenting it here because we think it will help a lot of people who are in this, or will be in this, situation. With that being said, below are our thoughts.
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We’ve said it before on our blog, but we’ll say it again — domestic discipline is a lifelong commitment. It is not something that can easily be turned off/on. So, with that being said, when a couple first chooses to adopt the domestic discipline lifestyle into their relationship, they may start to ask themselves how it will work with their future life plans. If one partner is military, how will domestic discipline work when that partner is deployed? If moving is in the plans for the future, how will domestic discipline work in the midst of all the chaos? What about living with family, or a roommate? What about domestic discipline with children around — how do we make that work? Or, before we even get to having children around, what about domestic discipline when the woman is pregnant?
Practicing domestic discipline while pregnant is much more difficult than domestic discipline under normal circumstances. However, it can be done and we recommend couples do not stop the domestic discipline lifestyle when a couple becomes pregnant (but we do recommend they make several modifications).
We don’t recommend stopping the lifestyle all together for several reasons:
Note: The above list is solely focusing on why we do not recommend stopping/starting the lifestyle during pregnancy only. Obviously, in other circumstances such as one partner not feeling like domestic discipline is working for them anymore, etc., we recommend couples explore the idea of stopping domestic discipline if they feel it isn’t helping or enhancing their relationship.
However, as we stated above, we strongly recommend that several modifications be made to the lifestyle throughout the pregnancy. The below list of modifications is made based upon the assumption that the submissive partner is the female in the relationship who is pregnant. If the couple practices an FLR (female-led relationship) style of domestic discipline, then the below modifications wouldn’t necessarily apply to them.
Spanking During Pregnancy
For most domestic discipline couples (but not all), spanking is a consequence that they implement into their relationship. The topic of spanking during pregnancy has became very controversial over the years. Some will say that they spanked throughout their whole pregnancy and everything was fine. Others have even asked their doctor who indicated it was fine as well. But, then there are some who are not comfortable with it, or say they, too, have asked their doctor or researched it online and have found it is not a safe option. So, like most things in pregnancy, the questions of “is it safe?” and “should we do it?” naturally arise quite frequently.
We don’t recommend spanking, or doing any physical punishments, while pregnant. While it might be true that it is safe for both the expectant mother, and the baby, to us it is not worth taking that risk. We don’t recommend doing anything (while pregnant, or not pregnant) that could have a safety risk, such as this, even remotely close to being associated with it. Aside from the safety aspect, it can also be pretty uncomfortable for the submissive partner which is not the point of domestic discipline.
In place of spanking, we recommend alternate punishments be used when severe rules are broken. Obviously these punishments may not have the same severity level as a spanking would, so we recommend that the HOH take that into consideration. Some examples of alternate punishments are:
If a couple does choose to use spanking while pregnant, that’s their choice and we respect that. The above are just our recommendations and viewpoints on the subject. However, if a couple does choose to spank while pregnant we recommend the following tips as to avoid the potential risks that spanking while pregnant can cause:
Once again, these are just our opinions and recommendations on domestic discipline while pregnant. We encourage each couple to evaluate their own situation and do what’s best for them and their relationship.
We’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic as well. Feel free to contact us by clicking here, or leave a comment below.
Have a great week, everyone!
© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline
The post Domestic Discipline While Pregnant appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.
Living the domestic discipline lifestyle takes commitment and a lot of hard work from both partners to ensure its long-term success. That’s no secret. So many things go into living the lifestyle the way it’s meant to be lived, and the way it must operate to achieve great results. Domestic discipline isn’t just about following rules and enforcing rules, nor is it all about creating a punishment and rewards system in order to create stability in the relationship. Sure, those components are a big part of what it means to live this way, but there’s so much more to it than that.
We’ve spent a lot of time on this website talking about the importance of communication in this lifestyle. We’ve talked about creating rules together, approaching your partner about various domestic discipline related issues, compromising, working together to achieve common goals, and many other things — all of which require communication. We’ve talked about trust and respect, love and intimacy, honesty and support, leadership and submission, as well as a number of other relationship components that living the domestic discipline lifestyle both requires, and enhances.
What we haven’t spent a lot of time talking about, however, is how important it is for both partners to be on the same page. Not just with the overall goals of the relationship or why domestic discipline is a part of the relationship, but with everything that living the lifestyle entails. What’s important to the head of the household needs to be equally important to the submissive partner, and vice versa. Things need to matter to one partner just as much as they do to the other partner. When they don’t, it’s difficult to see any real progress from living the lifestyle, particularly when it comes to behavior correction. Things may improve, but they don’t necessarily get corrected.
To illustrate what we’re talking about, we’ll zero in on one major component of living the lifestyle — the rules. Clearly the rules are a vital part of building a healthy domestic discipline foundation in a relationship. The rules are the “heart” of domestic discipline since they are essentially what the entire dynamic is built upon, and operates on.
Rules are talked about and agreed upon prior to beginning domestic discipline (we recommend that, anyway). Both partners work together in making a sound rules list based on how they both want their relationship to operate going forward, and based on what they both envision for their future together. The point we’re getting at here is that specific rules need to carry the same importance in the minds of both partners in order to achieve ultimate success in the lifestyle. They need to carry the same importance to both partners to achieve correction. If a specific rule doesn’t mean as much to one partner as it does to the other, it’s going to take quite some time to “get on the same page” with it, and ultimately correct the issue when it comes to what is expected in accordance with the rules.
Let’s say a couple has a rule about tardiness. They both want to be on time to whatever future events they commit themselves to. They both discussed and agreed to this rule ahead of time, and both feel it will benefit everyone when enforced and followed. The head of the household feels that being on time to everything is extremely important as it shows ambition, commitment, and honor. The HoH also feels this rule is important to follow/enforce, as it has the potential to negatively impact other peoples’ lives if it isn’t.
For example, if a couple is 15 minutes late to a dinner with friends, now their friends’ lives are impacted in addition to their own lives. Maybe their friends have somewhere to be after dinner, and now they’re going to be late to that engagement because you both, as a couple, were late to dinner. Tardiness has a domino effect, and the HoH does not want to impact other lives that way. So, for these reasons, the HoH feels punctuality is extremely important.
The submissive partner sees and understands the importance of this rule, but doesn’t feel the importance of the rule on the same level the HoH does. So, when getting ready for a dinner out with friends, there isn’t the same sense of urgency in the submissive partner when it comes to getting out the door on time. It isn’t as important to the submissive partner to be so punctual with every little thing. The couple ends up running late, the HoH is then upset, they speed on the road to make up time (which could lead to even more issues like a ticket or an accident), and their friends are waiting at the restaurant, by themselves, wondering where their dinner mates are.
The point of this example is to illustrate the importance of being on the same page when it comes to the rule. Sure, the HoH may punish for it at some point, but the importance of the rule isn’t equal between partners, thus triggering the problem in the first place. Had the submissive partner felt the same sense of urgency to be punctual as the HoH did, the submissive partner would have, more than likely, made the necessary adjustments throughout the day to ensure the couple left on time. But, since punctuality simply wasn’t as important to the submissive partner, no adjustments were made, and the couple ended up being late to dinner.
In this scenario, the HoH can punish and punish and punish for this, but will it every really get corrected if the submissive partner doesn’t feel the same importance and urgency to be punctual as the HoH does? Punctuality may improve as a result of the punishments, which is certainly helpful, but it’s doubtful the tardiness would ever get completely corrected.
The moral of the story is this — specific rules need to carry the same importance in the minds of both partners to make any real long-term progress in domestic discipline.
It probably feels like we’re picking on the submissive partner, but everything said to this point holds true for the HoH as well. In fact, if a couple experiences any problems with this type of situation, the root of said problem can almost always be traced back to the head of the household. Why is that? Well, because the submissive partner is influenced by the enforcement of any given rule, and influenced by how consistently that rule is enforced.
Who’s responsibility is that? It’s the HoH’s responsibility.
If being punctual is extremely important to the HoH, the HoH needs to send that message loud and clear to the submissive partner by consistently holding them accountable for any and all tardiness. The submissive partner’s importance level of any given rule will rise (or fall for that matter) to the level the HoH enforces it at. It’s as simple as that. Then, once both partners are at the same level of importance to be punctual, the submissive partner will feel the same urgency that the HoH feels to be on time, and the likelihood of the HoH having to punish for tardiness becomes virtually non-existent at that point.
So, as the title of this article suggests, it takes both partners being on the same page in all areas of domestic discipline (not just the rules) for the lifestyle to yield all the benefits it’s designed to. Without that, punishments will be more frequent, it will take months and months and months to correct an issue for good (if ever at all), and frustration and doubt will creep into the minds of both partners. When that happens, the domestic discipline structure in the relationship that you both worked so hard to create will begin to crumble. It’s all downhill from there.
Being on the same page doesn’t have to be so challenging. All it takes is communication and commitment from both partners, and consistency from the head of the household. When a couple is on the same page in domestic discipline, things run so much more smoothly, and both the home and relationship become so much more peaceful.
© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline
The post It Takes Two to Make Domestic Discipline Work appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.
A couple of days ago, we answered a question in the latest Mailbag Monday post that asked us if we thought about writing a blog post on a concept in domestic discipline known as non-consensual consent. It’s amazing that in over three years we haven’t written a post on non-consensual consent, a concept that is crucial to the success of the domestic discipline lifestyle. We mentioned it in the LDD Glossary several years ago, but a small blurb on it doesn’t give it the proper attention it needs. A post on this concept is long overdue.
What is non-consensual consent?
Giving your non-consensual consent means you consent to live the domestic discipline lifestyle and all it entails for the duration of your relationship (or until either you or your partner withdraws your consent). When one consents to domestic discipline, they’re consenting to living the lifestyle as a whole, not consenting to case-by-case, punishment-by-punishment situations.
It’s a little confusing, so we’ll do our best to clarify this concept. We’ll also explain why it’s so important to the success of domestic discipline.
In domestic discipline, the head of the household is the one “in charge” and the one making the final decisions for the overall benefit of their partner, their family, and their home. Naturally in this lifestyle, many of those decisions are punishment decisions which the submissive partner is expected to cooperate with, or “submit” to. Even if it means a punishment spanking is forthcoming — something the submissive partner doesn’t exactly find to be pleasant — they’re still expected to cooperate with the punishment and “submit” to it.
In a punishment spanking situation (or any punishment situation, really), it would be understandable if the submissive partner were hesitant to cooperate in that moment, or didn’t want to go through with the punishment at all. It stands to reason that the thought and/or temptation to withdraw consent would be, and is, at it’s strongest in these moments. However, in order for domestic discipline to thrive in the relationship, consent cannot be withdrawn whenever the submissive partner simply doesn’t feel like cooperating in punishment situations. It does not, and will not, work that way. If the HoH decides to punish, then a punishment ensues. Period.
It’s also worth noting that it won’t work if the HoH goes back and forth on their consent, either. It’s all or nothing when it comes to living the domestic discipline lifestyle, which is exactly what non-consensual consent is all about. It protects the relationship from the chaos that would ensue from one partner regularly going back and forth on their consent (usually in punishment situations).
In order for domestic discipline to bring all the wonderful things to a relationship it’s designed to, the head of the household needs to hold the ultimate authority at all times — especially in punishment situations. If the submissive partner had the luxury of withdrawing their consent any time they didn’t feel like going through with the punishment, the head of the household wouldn’t have that ultimate authority. The HoH’s authority would be undermined every time the submissive partner withdrew their consent due to them feeling as though the punishment was/is unfair, or unjust, or unnecessary, or whatever else.
The submissive partner withdrawing their consent in those moments puts them in charge, which is counter-intuitive and counter-productive to the goals and purpose of living the domestic discipline lifestyle. Living this lifestyle is supposed to end the power struggle in a relationship, not make it worse. The submissive partner giving and withdrawing their consent whenever they please would make the power struggle worse. Power struggle issues lead to disagreements, arguments, bickering, fighting, hurtful words, etc., etc., etc. Not good.
Again, it’s worth noting that the head of the household giving and withdrawing their consent at will would create frustration, confusion, and chaos as well. Do you want to lead the relationship and home or not? Yes? No? Yes again? No again? Maybe? No? Yes? Which is it??! Obviously domestic discipline won’t have a chance if the HoH regularly goes back and forth on their consent.
Non-consensual consent ends all of that confusion, frustration, chaos, etc., and that’s why it’s so important to the success of this lifestyle. From the very beginning both partners consent to living the domestic discipline lifestyle the way it’s meant and designed to be lived, thus avoiding the problems that come with random voluntary withdrawal of consent by either partner.
Whether or not to give non-consensual consent to live the domestic discipline lifestyle is obviously a huge decision for anyone to make. If you consent to everything the lifestyle entails, and you make the decision to live the lifestyle, it’s a decision we strongly discourage going back on. To get the most out of domestic discipline, non-consensual consent from both partners is crucial to its long-term success.
Of course, non-consensual consent can be withdrawn at any time. There’s always that option. Once non-consensual consent is withdrawn, however, it’s very difficult to bring domestic discipline back into the relationship if there’s ever a change of heart (for the reasons mentioned earlier). Just like giving non-consensual consent in the beginning is a big decision, withdrawing it is also a very big decision. It’s one that should be carefully thought through and discussed extensively together with your partner.
As you likely know, consent means everything in the domestic discipline lifestyle. A relationship simply isn’t a domestic discipline one without it. When we talk about consent on the LDD blog, we’re talking about non-consensual consent. This is how it has to work in order to achieve the best results. When both partners give their non-consensual consent to practice the domestic discipline lifestyle with one another, the sky is the limit for their relationship.
© 2014 Learning Domestic Discipline
The post Non-Consensual Consent in a Domestic Discipline Relationship appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.
Domestic discipline relationships can fall off track, or become off balance, for a number of different reasons. Life events (having a baby, moving, family stresses, job changes just to name a few) are often the biggest reason, but other reasons can include inconsistency for extended periods of time or distance domestic discipline.
Regardless of the reason, getting back on track with domestic discipline can be challenging. In our book Consistently Inconsistent we identify several reasons that inconsistency can occur, and how to prevent it from happening, or dealing with it when it does. However, what we’re going to look at today is once the consistency is put back together, how do you go about jump starting domestic discipline again?
Below are five tips to help you get back on track.
If your domestic discipline relationship has ever fallen off balance, we’d love to hear what methods you used to help get things back on track. Sharing what has worked for you may help other couples as well, so please don’t hesitate to do so.
We’ll see you tomorrow as we meet another one of our guest columnists, Rachel.
©2014 Learning Domestic Discipline
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One thing domestic discipline couples often talk about is this lifestyle eliminating the “power struggle” in a relationship. When the dynamic of domestic discipline is functioning correctly in a relationship, that’s precisely what it does — it eliminates the “power struggle.” The head of the household is the one with the the final say or the ultimate “power”, and that “power” is exercised after taking into account the thoughts, opinions, wants, and needs of the submissive partner and the entire family. When that’s how things operate, domestic discipline thrives and there is no “power struggle.”
However, in domestic discipline, it’s difficult to get to that point if/when the submissive partner regularly challenges the HoH’s “power” in the relationship. The submissive partner giving up their own “power” is challenging, particularly when first starting out with the lifestyle, but it must be done for the lifestyle to yield the results that both partners are looking for. The submissive partner has consented to giving the HoH the ultimate “power” in the relationship by agreeing to live this lifestyle, and challenging it contradicts that entire premise. The problem is that, often times, the submissive partner doesn’t even realize they’re doing this.
Here’s a few easy questions for you — in a consensual domestic discipline relationship, which partner chooses the punishments and when/how to administer them? Which partner has the ultimate authority in the home? Which partner ultimately decides what to do, when to do it, and how to do it?
Sure, the answer to all three of these questions is obvious enough — the head of the household. That means that, even if the submissive partner feels something should be done about any given situation, or feels something should be handled a certain way, it’s the HoH who ultimately decides what to do and how to go about doing it — not the submissive partner.
Now here’s a little more difficult question for you — looking at your own relationship, is this how domestic discipline operates all the time within it? Take the time to really think about the answer to that question.
If so, things are likely going great for you both. You’re likely content with where things are at and you and your partner rarely, if ever, have an argument. If it doesn’t operate that way all the time, you and your partner probably get frustrated often, argue more than you’d like to, and regularly disagree on how successful domestic discipline is (or isn’t…) in your relationship. Both of you may or may not understand why you’re struggling with DD.
Well, the reason you’re struggling (or not seeing the results you’d like to be seeing) is because the submissive partner is still trying to exercise their “power” in one or more areas of the relationship, and they’re having a difficult time letting go of it. And, as we said, the submissive partner probably doesn’t even realize they’re doing this. They’ve simply had this “power” for most of their adult life, and it’s natural for them to take the lead in this area of the relationship (or in this particular type of situation).
The problem with the submissive partner doing this is that it directly conflicts with how domestic discipline is supposed to operate and how domestic discipline brings stability and peace to a relationship. Not to mention it probably irritates the HoH, which naturally leads to disagreements/arguments/conflict, particularly if it was the submissive partner who wanted the DD dynamic in the relationship to begin with. That’s a “power struggle” — something domestic discipline is designed to eliminate from a relationship. When the submissive partner does not defer to, or yield to, or “submit” to the HoH in all (or most) matters, turbulence in the relationship is the result.
All of this is NOT to say that the submissive partner does not have the right to express their thoughts/opinions, or does not have the right to disagree with whatever their HoH decides. Of course they do. All of this is to say that it’s the HoH who has the ultimate “power” in the relationship, and when their “power” isn’t respected or is regularly challenged in some capacity, problems ensue. We feel it’s important for both partners to think about or keep this in mind whenever either partner wonders why domestic discipline isn’t “working” in the relationship. That’s all.
Not every decision the HoH makes will be the right one. Not every decision the HoH makes will be the one the submissive partner would have made. The HoH’s decision may very well be to do nothing about a particular issue or behavior as they don’t see it as a problem, or as an urgent/important matter. Both partners will not prioritize every rule in the relationship the same. Men and women are different and think differently about a lot of things (we won’t get into that 
). But, in a domestic discipline relationship, it’s the HoH’s role to make those choices and it’s the submissive partner’s role to support them.
If you ever have domestic discipline related turbulence in your relationship, chances are the problem can be traced back to this element of a “power struggle.”
The post The Domestic Discipline “Power Struggle” Is Real appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline.
Let’s face it – domestic discipline can be overwhelming. On the surface it may seem simple, but the further you dive into the more you realize that there is more information to know than you originally thought. We receive quite a few questions from readers that have to do deal with the topic of how to get their partner to read and research domestic discipline similarly to how they have. The reasons for a partner wanting their other half to read up on domestic discipline can vary, but the most common reason that we see is when one partner (usually the submissive) has identified a problem within their domestic discipline dynamic (example: inconsistency) and they want their partner (usually the HOH) to take charge and research/read up on how to fix it without the submissive partner having to essentially guide them along the way. This is just one example of many, but it is a dilemma that domestic discipline couples often face. So, we have put together the suggestions below to hopefully help those facing a similar struggle.
As you might have noticed, almost all of the above solutions do take quite a bit of work on your part. Hey, no one said domestic discipline was easy! But, we’re confident that if you try one or more of the above methods that your partner will, eventually, begin to hear the information you want them to, read it, or receive it in some fashion which will create a happier domestic discipline atmosphere for you both. There’s no doubt it can be frustrating to a couple when it feels like one member is doing all of the “work”, but hang in there – it does get easier and you’re definitely not alone. This is an issue that a lot of domestic discipline couples seem to struggle with, and are able to overcome with a little more work than usual, and a lot of patience.
Good luck!
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On Saturday, Chelsea wrote about five different types of submissive partners in her Submissive Saturday series. At the end of her post, she mentioned how she was going to discuss the types of HoHs in her next Submissive Saturday post, but we’ve decided to bump that article up to today. We felt is was more appropriate to write it as a Wednesday post as opposed to a Submissive Saturday post. It also made more sense to have me (Clint) write this one, rather than her, since it’s about HoHs. So here we are.
There are a lot of responsibilities that come with holding the title of “head of the household”, or HoH, in a domestic discipline relationship. Having an authoritative presence is certainly helpful, but there’s a lot more to being an HoH than simply being a disciplinarian/authority figure in the home. It requires leadership skills, decision making skills and communication skills, as well as the ability to outwardly exhibit rational self-control and the ability to stabilize emotional situations.
Being the HoH also requires a “soft side” that isn’t often talked about in domestic discipline circles. The HoH of the family needs to be the pillar of strength/support whenever something goes wrong, or whenever someone in the family is going through a difficult time. The HoH need to be the one everyone in the family turns to when things get rough, and/or when they don’t know what to do and are in need of direction. I hate to sound like Dr. Phil here, but “HoH” isn’t just a title, it’s also a verb. “HoHing” requires a lot from a person, and it isn’t an easy job.
Of course, there isn’t one set universal way to HoH a relationship/family. There are a number of ways an individual can HoH a relationship/family, and each of those ways offer varying degrees of success in the lifestyle. There are ways we recommend HoHing (more on that later), but what it ultimately boils down to is what you and your partner want to get out of domestic discipline.
In Chelsea’s post she identified five types of submissive partners, however when it comes to HoHs, I distinctly identify four different types of them. Chances are you (or your HoH) fit into one of the following four types.
The types of HoH I identify are as follows:
Type 1: The No Nonsense HoH. The No Nonsense HoH does things very much “by the book” all the time. There are very clear rules and boundaries in place and a very strict “no tolerance” policy when it comes to enforcing them. This HoH is essentially in “boot camp mode” all the time, everyday. They rarely take outside factors into consideration, meaning that if a rule is broken then a punishment is forthcoming no matter what the “excuse” is. Period. I’m not saying the No Nonsense HoH doesn’t have a “soft side”, but it very rarely comes out. The No Nonsense HoH is not messing around.
Type 2: The Adaptive HoH. The Adaptive HoH is strict in enforcing their clear list of rules and boundaries, but they do take circumstances into consideration (examples: illness causes a bad attitude, they use different consequences when pregnant or when the submissive partner is ill, etc.). The Adaptive HoH is a good leader, but can be manipulated at times by the submissive partner due to over-thinking or over-analyzing situations. They do have a very concrete list of “no tolerance” rules regardless of the circumstances, but other less important rules aren’t always a high priority. The Adaptive HoH has just enough “soft side” to be strong and supportive, but not so much of one that they’re a complete pushover.
Type 3: The Lenient HoH. The Lenient HoH has a very strong desire to lead their relationship/family, but they are very relaxed in enforcing their rules. If an infraction doesn’t fall into one of their core “major” rules, the infraction often goes unpunished. The Lenient HoH is easily manipulated by the submissive partner, and is usually oblivious to the manipulation. The Lenient HoH often falls victim to the “Good Guy Syndrome”, in which they’re overly eager to please their submissive partner and their “soft side” wins out more often than not. They don’t ever want to be the “bad guy.” They’re very understanding and supportive…to a fault. They will punish if something major happens, but even they would likely tell you they’re a bit of a pushover.
Type 4: The Reverse HoH. The Reverse HoH has a desire to lead the family and THINKS they’re the one calling the shots, but in reality it’s the submissive partner who is running the show. The Reverse HoH puts far too much stock into the submissive partner’s feedback. The Reverse HoH lives in “soft side” mode the majority of the time and struggles with making clear, definitive decisions. They’re often more concerned with making their partner happy than doing what’s best for them (which yields all control to the submissive partner). They punish because they feel that’s what they’re supposed to do rather than feeling it’s what they need to do. The Reverse HoH is a great person with great intentions, but they don’t quite have what it takes to be an effective HoH in a domestic discipline relationship.
As mentioned before, all four types of HoHs will offer the relationship/family some degree of success in the domestic discipline lifestyle. Depending on what a couple wants, they may be perfectly content with whatever type their HoH currently falls into. However, if something is lacking/missing in your domestic discipline, your HoH may want to put a plan in place to become whichever of the four HoH types they aspire to be.
We recommend, for best overall success in the domestic discipline lifestyle, an HoH fall somewhere in the type 1 to type 2 range of HoH (with a slight lean towards type 1). It’s important that an HoH not be an overbearing jerk with unachievable expectations, however it’s equally important that an HoH not be complete pushover who allows their partner to manipulate their decisions (or run the show entirely).
Holding firm with decisions is a key component to being a successful HoH. An HoH needs to always think about the bigger picture and the greater good when determining what course of action to take. The correct and/or best decision isn’t always the easy one. The best decision is not always the one that will make everyone (especially the submissive partner) the most happy. That isn’t what HoHing is about, and the HoHs that are best at “putting their foot down” are the ones that experience the most success in the lifestyle.
So, which type of HoH are you (or what type of HoH is your partner)? Are you happy with how things are currently operating? If not, communicate with your partner and work together in making changes that will get your HoH to where you both ultimately want them to be.
— Clint
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